Mark Reads Twilight (So You Don't Have To)

In the fourteenth chapter of Eclipse, Bella whines about someone throwing a party for her, Edward whines about non-white vampires, Bella whines about having to talk to her mother (who's boyfriend JUST BROKE HIS FEMUR), and then she decides to go to Jacob's house while Edward feeds. And then everything gets HORRIBLE. Because Bella spends time daydreaming about marriage. And then Jacob DECLARES HIS UNDYING LOVE FOR HER. Oh god. Do not want. Intrigued? Then it's time for Mark to read Eclipse.

Full review of the 14th chapter of Eclipse inside...

In the thirteenth chapter of Eclipse, Jasper elaborates to Bella on how he came to be a vampire, why the vampire world is so violent, and why he is the way he is. Instead of taking this opportunity to help create an interesting past for one of her characters, Stephenie Meyer instead chooses to make Jasper A CONFEDERATE SOLDIER and tell us all how all vampires who don't live in Europe or America are violent and insane. Also, if you weren't white before you became a vampire, vampirism actually makes you white. Intrigued? Then it's time for Mark to read Eclipse.

Full review of the 13th chapter of Eclipse inside...

Hey guys. Just thought I'd drop a note about why I haven't posted a review since Thursday evening!

Friday, I spent all day with a bunch of teenagers telling them about hanging out on the Internet for money. (My brother called it "Career Day.") I had planned to pen another review after the school day was done around 3:00pm. But then I went to my brother's house and he had that new Super Mario Bros game for the Wii and HAVE YOU PLAYED IT. LIKE SERIOUSLY IT IS OUT OF THIS WORLD AND SO FUN AND THEN oh hey why is it 6:00pm already what happened.

So then I was totally planning on writing a review today, but I spent 5 hours going over all the interview footage I captured of AFI when I was on the road with them and then it was 3:00pm and then there was all this DRAMA online and then I FINALLY GOT A CHANCE TO READ CHAPTER 13. 

And yeah. I lost it. Chapter 13 is...horrible isn't the right word. Damaging, maybe? Possibly the worst thing in all of the books ever? OH GOD.

It was so so so so so bad that I couldn't form a response. I still can't. And so, my friends, I'll spend the night trying to think of a proper way to convey the incredible sense of anger and frustration towards something that shouldn't have been published in the first place.

In exchange for the long delay, I give you this:

Godspeed, my fellow Twilight-haters.

In the twelfth chapter of Eclipse, Bella decides to suck the joy out of everyone around her by complaining about a party being thrown in honor of her graduating. Then she gets weird about being turned into a vampire, but this is closely overshadowed by Edward, again, demanding that Bella marry him before he makes her a vampire. Cue so much marriage wank that we're left wondering why Meyer thinks we're dumb enough to believe this isn't propaganda. Intrigued? Then it's time for Mark to read Eclipse.

Full review of the 12th chapter of Eclipse inside...

In the eleventh chapter of Eclipse, Bella spends more time with the Quileute tribe and listens to Billy tell the story of the origin of werewolves. And it's not stupid. It's actually kind of compelling. But leave it up to Meyer to ruin it with some sexism/non-inclusion of any females in the story. Oh, until it's revealed that a woman can save everyone by killing herself. What. Also, she quotes Wuthering Heights again. Please stop. Intrigued? Then it's time for Mark to read Eclipse.

Full review of the 11th chapter of Eclipse inside...

In the tenth chapter of Eclipse, everything is awkward and boring and revolting at the same time. There's no progression of anything, Bella devotes her entire self to Edward yet again, and blah blah blah do you even care anymore? It doesn't matter, though, because something else in the Twilight world has made an appearance and it might possibly be worse than the whole series combined. Intrigued? Then it's time for Mark to read Eclipse...and something else.

Full review of the 10th chapter of Eclipse and something else inside...

In the ninth chapter of Eclipse, Stephenie Meyer actually introduces a conflict before the 400 page mark. Seriously! And in a moment that surely deserves praise, Meyer ruins everything by creating a situation that makes no sense. Some mystery vampire takes a shirt of Bella's. That's it. Then Jacob and Edward talk on the phone and this is just so so so so so boring. Blah. Intrigued? You shouldn't be, but if you are, then it's time for Mark to read Eclipse.

Full review of the 9th chapter of Eclipse inside...

In the eighth chapter of Eclipse, we find out that Jacob's friend Quil imprints on a two-year old. Two. TWO. We're still not told what imprinting actually is, but it's still reminiscent of rape. And there's an incestual subtext to it all. No lying. Then Bella goes home to Alice and Edward and the "SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE IS REALLY BAD" theme rears its ugly head again. AGAIN. Sigh. Intrigued? Then it's time for Mark to read Eclipse.

Full review of the 8th chapter of Eclipse inside...

After a ten day absence, I'm back. Mark Reads Twilight is back. And, as if the gods intended for this happen exactly this way, the chapter in Eclipse that I resume my reviewing with is chapter seven. In the seventh chapter of Eclipse, we found out that Rosalie is an asshole NOT because she was raped as a human but because she is a bitter, vain, and egocentric waste of space. NO. REALLY. Intrigued? Then it's time for Mark to start reading Eclipse again.

Full review of the 7th chapter of Eclipse inside...

In the sixth chapter of Eclipse, Stephenie Meyer makes light of one of the most hilarious subjects to ever exist in our fine world: kidnapping. And possessive relationships. Seriously, it's comedy. Once Edward learns that Bella's gonna visit Jacob while he's off hunting again, he makes sure his whole family holds her hostage in their house. It's the most hysterical thing ever! Intrigued? Then it's time for Mark to read Eclipse.

Full review of the sixth chapter of Eclipse inside...

In the fifth chapter of Eclipse, Bella spends more time with Jacob, which Meyer uses as an opportunity to fill in more backstory for why werewolves are the way they are and why Jacob is the most awesome person ever. Oh yeah, except for that imprinting thing. Yeah, Meyer introduces the theme of "imprinting," which is a combination between predestination and something akin to rape. It doesn't get any less weird. Intrigued? Then it's time for Mark to read Eclipse.

Full review of the 5th chapter of Eclipse inside...

In the fourth chapter of Eclipse, Bella makes a sudden decision to disobey Edward's demands and goes to hang out with Jacob. Awesome, right? Wrong. Because we learn that Bella believes Edward has never mistreated her, is the perfect boyfriend, and Jacob is "self-righteous." Her words. The entire chapter is then wasted on some truly stupid dialogue about "nature" and then it just ends. Bleh. If you're still intrigued, then it's time for Mark to read Eclipse.

Full review of the fourth chapter of Eclipse inside...

In the third chapter of Eclipse, Meyer spends a great deal of time demeaning every woman who tries to be honest, stand up for herself, and or exhibit any sense of independence. Consequently, this means she makes sure that every male that graces the pages of chapter three is EXTRA MANLY and POWERFUL and full of WELL-MEANING PSYCHOSIS. Intrigued? Then it's time for Mark to read Eclipse.

Full review of the third chapter of Eclipse inside...

In the second chapter of Eclipse, we are left dumbfounded by Edward removing the engine of Bella's car in order to prevent her from seeing Jacob. Repeat: Edward removes the engine of Bella's car in order to prevent her from from seeing Jacob. Did you get that? Edward removes the engine of Bella's car in order to prevent her from seeing Jacob. Intrigued? Then it's time for Mark to read Eclipse.

Full review of the second review of Eclipse inside...

In the opening of Eclipse, Stephenie Meyer can't resist rehashing the same tired/disturbing themes she's glorified over two previous novels. Bella still treats her father like a demon, Edward insists on controlling who Bella hangs out with, and there's a whole lot of bizarre sexism. Basically, in a few words, this book is already dangerously close to being worse than the last two. Intrigued? Then it's time for Mark to start Eclipse.

Full review of the preface and chapter 1 of Eclipse inside...

I'm still alive. In the last month or so, I have completed reading the second book in the Twilight saga (WHY IS IT CALLED A SAGA THERE ARE NO DRAGONS OR VIKINGS HERE) called New Moon. We have laughed. We have cried. There's been a lot of pain, both emotional and (occasionally) physically. Would you like to relive it all? Would you like to see what you missed? Then it's time for Mark to reminisce with great regret about New Moon.

Complete archive of New Moon reviews inside...