Mark Reads Twilight (So You Don't Have To)

In the fifth chapter of Twilight, Bella and Edward announce their friendship--outloud. Really. We're then presented with more awkward dialogue, a rather convenient fear of blood, the beginnings of Edward's creepy courtship, and one hell of a stupid "cliffhanger." ("Cliffhanger" is used loosely.) Intrigued? It's time for Mark to read Twilight.

Twilight: An Act in Multiple Parts

Characters: 

Bella Swan: Moody, slightly incorrigible, fickle, able to fly into fits of sarcastic rage at the mere sight of Edward Cullen, damaging to prospects of her own happiness.

Edward Cullen: Possesses characteristics usually reserved for those suffering from bipolar disorder, alternates between being obnoxiously coy and bitterly hateful, and is a tease. An utter tease.

Jessica: Some girl Stephanie Meyer never develops, so I can't even remember a single characteristic of her at all.

Mike: Just imagine a mouse. A mouse as a human. That's all you need.

ACT 1
Scene 1

[Setting: Cafeteria of Forks High School, a perpetually overcast and rainy community in the Pacific Northeast. The walls are bare, free from posters usually found in most high school lunch rooms. The space doubles as the school's auditorium; tables are arranged in neat rows over the white tiled floor. BELLA enters the cafeteria and looks at the table EDWARD usually occupies. It is empty and a look of disappointment crosses her face. She sits at her normal table, across the room, with JESSICA]

Bella: My loving Edward is not present today. I should KILL MYSELF. SWIFTLY AND WITHOUT MERCY.

Jessica: Can it, turdface. He is here--and he's staring right at you.

[Bella's heart beats in her chest rapidly as she raises her eyes to see Edward sitting closer, at a table by himself. Like the great wizard Gandalf, he beckons Bella to his table with a bony finger, as if to say, "Come hither, maiden, so I may lay softly at your bosom."] 

Jessica: I really hate you and despise your existence, but I'm going to constantly pretend I'm interested in anything going on in your life. 

Bella: That's ok; I know my author needs to create fake conflict to further the plot.

Jessica: Does he mean you?¹

Bella: If sire Cullen beckons for me, I must come to his side. Methinks he perhaps needs help with his Biology. 

[Bella rushes to Edward's table, but resists sitting down upon arriving. Her reluctance is reflected in Edward's face, who stares longingly at Bella.]

Edward: My dear Bella, please sit at my table and provide me with the pleasure of gazing into your inviting face.

Bella: [Sits at the table with some reticence before speaking.] Me doth think this is awkward.

Edward: Surely it's not awkward to have someone treat you so well after treating you like the human personification of an airbone contagion, no? Let's forget our entire past in just five seconds and we'll be able to jump the plot ahead a few pages.

Bella: But oh, Edward, I have an unnatural and irritating ability to internally brag about how "honest" I am, yet, faced with any conversation with you, I suddenly desire to drag things out for pages through passive-aggressive snark. Can't we do that first?²

Edward: Well...[Edward pauses.] I decided as long as I was going to hell, I might as well do it thoroughly.³

Bella: Oh, Edward, I haven't the faintest idea what you're talking about. `Whatever could you be referring to?

Edward: I'm going to continue dropping really frustrating hints as to my real character, which all the readers of this book already know because it's revealed in the second sentence of the summary on the back and because Meyer foreshadows at least once every five pages. Yet you are too stupid to figure it out, so we're going to draw out this chapter with you literally guessing why I'm so weird and rude to you. The easy answer would be, "Because you are a womanizing douchebag," but since your author doesn't have any respect for you as a character, she's going to guide you through an embarrassing parade of your own personal failure. 

Bella: Oh, can we!

Edward: Most certainly!

Bella: You're Bruce Wayne.⁴

Edward: Nope!

Bella: You're Peter Parker.⁴

Edward: Not at all.

Bella: Were you bitten by a radioactive spider?⁴

Edward: Nein. Also, you already guessed Peter Parker, so I'm going to laugh and demean you for a few more lines of this page.

Bella: Are you a hypnotist?⁴

Edward: What? No.

Bella: Am I just a pushover?⁴

Edward: It's become glaringly apparent.

Bella: No spiders?⁴

Edward: No.

Bella: And no radioactivity?⁴

Edward: No.

Bella: Well, I feel silly and embarrassed, as if I was just dragged through an embarrassing parade of my own personal failure.

Edward: I told you so. 

Bella: Surely I shall figure out this jest!

Edward: What if I'm not the superhero? What if I'm the bad guy?³

Bella: Now I'm sad, though I can't explain it.

Edward: It's ok. I'm not going to bother to explain why I'm dangerous or why we shouldn't be friends, but I'm still going to pursue a friendship. Apparently, I love to confuse you. Oh look, the cafeteria is empty! Time for you to go and for me to disappear somewhere, unexplained.

Scene 2

[Setting: Outside of Bella's biology class. Bella has such an intense fear of blood that she nearly faints in class when people are forced to determine their blood type. The process itself seems to laugh at the face of sterility, since all characters must prick themselves, as the teacher demonstrates by pricking MIKE'S finger without asking him. As Bella nearly faints, Mike walks her outside to take her to the nurses' office.]

Mike: I hope you're ok, Bella. You look so green! Also, this is an excuse for me to touch you. I love touching you. I don't care what the context is. 

Edward: [His voice appears out of nowhere.] Bella, are you ok?

Bella: Even though I basically touch myself at the very thought of you each night, I'm going to continue pretending that I hate your guts, Edward Cullen! Go away!

Mike: I'm taking her to the nurses' office.

Edward: No, I am. Watch me exert my masculine superiority over you. [Edward grabs Bella from Mike's possession and carries her in his arms to the nurses' office.⁵] See? You are not worthy of her affection, Mike.

Mike: Could Stephanie Meyer just force me to commit suicide? I might be the most worthless character in the history of literature.

Scene 3

[Setting: Inside the nurses' office]

Edward: I've seen corpses with better color.⁶

Bella: Really?

Scene 4

[Setting: Outside the nurses' office]

Bella: Hey, so I've spent the entire fifth chapter acting as if you're the worst person alive, but I'm going to invite you to the beach with Mike and his friends, even though I'm not organizing the event. 

Edward: I won't go because it will upset Mike more, even though most of my actions specifically piss him off. Why do I suddenly care? I don't know!

Bella: Wait, where are you taking me?

Edward: I'm physically dragging you through the parking lot so I can drive you home.⁷ My sister will take your truck home. Basically, I think you're incapable of movement and coordination, which I'm going to reinforce in a couple pages. In fact, I'm going to continue dragging you until you violently collide with my car.

Bella: You are so pushy! I am perfectly capable of driving myself home!⁸

Edward: Get in the car.

Bella: Oh ok.⁹

[Edward begins to drive Bella home.]

Bella: So.

Edward: Do you mind if I interrogate you about your age and your family life?

Bella: Of course, but you're so sparkly and beautiful, I won't protest. 

[Edward uncomfortably quizzes her.]

Bella: So we're at my house. Will I see you this weekend?

Edward: No. I'm going camping.

Bella: Now I'm sad and I'm not going to even hide it.

Edward: Don't be offended, but you seem to be one of those people who just attract accidents like a magnet. So...try not to fall into the ocean or get run over or anything, all right?¹⁰

Bella: I'LL SEE WHAT I CAN DO.¹¹

To be continued...

Annotations:

1. This is an actual line in the book. There is NO ONE ELSE at Jessica's table and there is no one else Edward could be staring. What's so appalling is that this is proof that Meyer's characters aren't characters; they're vehicles for her abysmal story. Blech.
2. It's hard to determine which techniques of Meyer's I despise most, but this might be the worst of the lot. 
3. AN ACTUAL, WORD-FOR-WORD QUOTE FROM THE BOOK. WHAT THE FUCK. 
4. Though I wish I were joking, Bella and Edward's conversation address each of these "guesses" on three and a half pages of dialogue.  Stephanie Meyer devotes three and a half pages to this garbage. 
5. This actually happens. If someone is about to faint, why would you do this? 
6. As if Meyer's foreshadowing hadn't already beat me numb, she does that. Again, another exact quote from the book. Sigh.
7. I wish I was exaggerating this: "He was towing me towards his car now, pulling me by my jacket. It was all I could do to keep from falling backward. He'd probably just drag me along anyway if I did. 
8. Possibly the first example of Bella standing up for herself. 
9. Possibly the first example of Bella canceling out any attempts at standing up for herself.
10. Shockingly, Meyer uses other characters to enforce Bella's crippling clumsiness. That's an exact quote. "Try not to fall into the ocean"? Really?
11.