Mark Reads Twilight (So You Don't Have To)

In the sixth chapter of Twilight, Bella develops a disturbing trend of manipulation which seems to suggest that Stephanie Meyer truly despises all women. But this isn't important because there's a momentous occasion in chapter six: the simultaneous introduction of Jacob Black and Meyer's first chapter that isn't so atrocious that the reader wants to become blind. Intrigued? Then it's time for Mark to read Twilight. 

It's fascinating to me that I just started writing the Twilight play and the first sentence of chapter six references one of the greats, Shakespeare's Macbeth. Unfortunately, there's nothing more to it; it's just that, a reference that stands alone. There's no substance behind it.

Overwhelmingly, this is the major theme for chapter six. On the surface, Bella meets new characters, has her first social outing, and gets near-confirmation that Edward Cullen is indeed a vampire. However, over the course of 19 pages, nothing happens. 

CHAPTER 6: SCARY STORIES

It seems that writing a standstill plot may be the only thing that Stephanie Meyer is pretty decent at. Besides a few glaring grammatical errors in the first few pages (misuse of a hyphen, repetitive words, incomplete/nonsensical sentences), this is, so far, the most tolerable chapter of Twilight. However, Meyer can't stand for the reader to enjoy themselves, so the few moments of literary flair and honest-to-god character development are ruined by--you guessed--Bella Swan.

Yes, Bella Swan, you do.

As Bella meets with her "friends" from school for a weekend at the La Push beach, we start to see the seeds of a disturbing trend in her actions: Bella is a manipulative asshole. 

I'd like to call this court to session:

UNITED STATES DISTRICT COURT

SOUTHERN DISTRICT OF CALIFORNIA

BEHOLD THE HONORABLE BUZZNET PEERS, JUDGE

MARK OSHIRO, ET AL.,                                   
 
PLAINTIFFS  
 

VS.  

BELLA SWAN, ET AL.,   
 
DEFENDANTS  
 
__________________________________________  

LOS ANGELES, CA
TUESDAY, AUGUST 11, 2009

TRANSCRIPT OF APPEARANCES

APPEARANCES: 

FOR PLAINTIFFS:  LAW OFFICE OF I MADE THIS UP
6464 SUNSET BLVD, SUITE 650
LOS ANGELES, CA 90028
BY: MARK OSHIRO
(NOT) ATTORNEY AT LAW

FOR DEFENDANTS N/A

RECORDED BY:  THE INTERNET

AUGUST 11TH, 2009

MRS. PEERS: THANK YOU. GOOD AFTERNOON, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. I PRAISE YOUR PATIENCE AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE OF DUTY SERVING ON THIS JURY.

I REPRESENT MYSELF HERE TODAY, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, TO HELP YOU UNDERSTAND EXACTLY WHY THE 7DEFENDANT, BELLA SWAN, HAS COMMITTED THE HEINOUS ACT OF LITERARY MANIPULATION. THIS WAS PREMEDITATED, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN; THIS WAS NOT AN ACT OF RANDOM, EMOTIONAL, AND MISTAKEN CONTROL. NO, MY FRIENDS, THIS WAS AN ACT OF DELIBERATE AND MANIACAL PURPOSE, ONE THAT WILL GREATLY (AND NEGATIVELY) AFFECT A MAJOR AND MINOR CHARACTER IN THE NOVEL "TWILIGHT."

YOU SEE, MY FRIENDS, BELLA SWAN SOUGHT ONLY PERSONAL GAIN THROUGH HER FRIENDSHIP WITH "MIKE" AND HER INITIAL DEALINGS WITH ONE "JACOB BLACK. THIS CASE, I BELIEVE, IS ONE THAT REPRESENTS EVERYTHING THAT NEGATIVELY AFFECTS TEENAGE AND ADULT WOMEN THROUGHOUT OUR GREAT NATION: BELLA SWAN IS A CHARACTER CONSTRUCTED ENTIRELY OF DETRIMENTAL QUALITIES, SUCH AS HER CONSTANT MANIPULATION OF MALE CHARACTERS AROUND HER.

WHY IS THIS IMPORTANT? YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF ASKING. TO UNDERSTAND MY POINT AND THE POINT OF THIS CASE, I'D LIKE TO PRESENT YOU WITH SOME KEY PIECES OF EVIDENCE TO HELP ANSWER THE QUESTIONS YOU MAY HAVE.

FIRST, I'D LIKE TO DIRECT YOU ALL TO PAGE 114 OF YOUR PAPERBACK EDITIONS OF "TWILIGHT." ON THE FIFTH LINE, BELLA'S FRIEND, "MIKE," ASKS HER, "WILL YOU RIDE IN MY CAR? IT'S THAT OR LEE'S MOM'S MINIVAN." THE DEFENDANT, MS. SWAN, REPLIES WITH A SIMPLE, "SURE." SHE THEN NARRATES, "HE SMILED BLISSFULLY. IT WAS SO EASY TO MAKE MIKE HAPPY."

FOLKS, AS I'M SURE YOU ALREADY KNOW FROM THE DEFENSE'S STATEMENT, GIVEN FIRST TODAY, THAT THE DEFENDANT ROUTINELY SPOKE ILL OF MIKE, HIS CHARACTER, AND HIS WILLINGNESS TO MAKE BELLA HAPPY AND ACCEPTED IN HER NEW HOMETOWN OF FORKS, WASHINGTON. IN FACT, HE COULD HAVE TREATED HER LIKE ANY OTHER NEW STUDENT: IGNORED HER, PICKED ON HER, THREW FOOD AT HER, DUNKED HER HEAD INTO A TOILET UNTIL HE COUL--I MEAN, SHE COULDN'T BREATHE. HE COULD HAVE EASILY TAKEN HIM OUT BEHIND SCHOOL AND TIED HIM TO A FENCE AND THEN THROWN KICKBALLS AT HIS HEAD UNTIL---

OK, I'M GETTING AHEAD OF MYSELF. THE POINT IS THAT MIKE WAS NICE TO THE DEFENDANT. AND THE DEFENDENT, THROUGHOUT THAT DAY AT LA PUSH BEACH, MANIPULATED MIKE MERELY TO GET WHAT SHE WANTED. MY FRIENDS, BELLA DID NOT STOP THERE. UPON MEETING JACOB BLACK, SHE SPENT A GOOD TWENTY MINUTES MANIPULATING HIM IN ORDER TO OBTAIN INFORMATION ABOUT HER INSANE VAMPIRE LOVER, EDWARD CULLEN. 

IF YOU'LL TURN TO PAGE 122 OF YOUR BOOK, YOU'LL SEE THE FOLLOWING PASSAGE: "I WAS STILL TURNING OVER THE BRIEF COMMENT ON THE CULLENTS, AND I HAD A SUDDEN INSPIRATION. IT WAS A STUPID PLAN, BUT I DIDN'T HAVE ANY BETTER IDEAS. I HOPED THAT YOUNG JACOB WAS AS YET INEXPERIENCED AROUND GIRLS, SO THAT HE WOULDN'T SEE THROUGH MY SURE-TO-BE-PITIFUL ATTEMPTS AT FLIRTING." THIS IS CLEAR EVIDENCE THAT BELLA HAS NOT A QUALM IN THE WORLD ABOUT TAKING ADVANTAGE OF A YOUNG, FEEBLE MIND  IN ORDER TO GET WHAT SHE WANTS. 

MY FRIENDS, WHAT KIND OF MESSAGE DOES THIS SEND TO YOUNG WOMEN WHO ADORE SUCH A BOOK? THAT LEADING ON NICE, IMPRESSIONABLE YOUNG MEN WHO ARE UPSTANDING CITIZENS IS OK? I'M GOING TO ASK THAT YOU SEE THE CONNECTIONS I'VE MADE TO THE DEFENDANT'S HORRIFYING BEHAVIOR THUS FAR, AND CONTINUE, WITH VIGILANCE, TO SEE HOW ELSE SHE WILL TREAT MALE CHARACTERS THROUGHOUT THIS CASE AND THE NOVEL. 

I'D LIKE TO THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND PATIENCE, AGAIN, AND YOU'LL HEAR FROM ME AGAIN, AS TIME PERMITS.

Beyond Bella's cunning actions, this is one of the rare moments in the novel where Meyer approaches diction that's actually respectable. There are long, loving passages where she contrasts Bella's loneliness with her love of the natural habitat on the beach. Given that Meyer had never actually been to this place, I was actually impressed with her ability to do exactly what I want from an author: show me, don't tell me.

Imagine in. You're submersed completely in the world of the tidepools along the La Push beach. Meyer actually appears to care about the importance of this setting in relation to character development. She describes the place with intimate detail:

• The bouquets of brilliant anemones undulated ceaselessly in the invisible current, twisted shells scurried about the edges, obscuring crabs witihin them, starfish stuck motionless to the rocks and each other, while one small black eel with white racing stripes wove through the bright green weeds, waiting for the sea to return.

Can't you see it in your head?

(Photo by xenotica)

But wait. What's that you hear? Something interrupting the precious natural wildlife, the calm repetition of the waves crashing against the rocks?

It's Bella Swan.

• I was completely absorbed, except for one small part of my wind that wondered what Edward was doing now, and trying to imagine what he would be saying if he were here with me.

JESUS H. CHRIST, STEPHANIE MEYER. CAN YOU GO JUST ONE DAMN PAGE WITHOUT RUINING EVERYTHING?

One last point before I abandon this review. Much praise for making Jacob a normal, reasonable, and attractive character for Bella to at least want to be friends with. Yeah, she used him right off the bat in order to gain INSIDER INFORMATION about the Cullens, but I was genuinely surprised with how complete this character already seems after just half a chapter of attention.

I've heard his character is wasted, but whatever. Give me a small moment to be positive. If not, I'll have to rage loudly about how Meyer actually describes vampires as "the cold ones," via Jacob. Really? Also, way to foreshadow that Jacob is a werewolf by BEATING US IN THE FACE WITH IT. Sigh.

Next up: the disaster that is chapter 7. Possibly a new narrative method for a review. Who knows?