Mark Reads 'Twilight': Chapter 8

In the eighth chapter of Twilight, Stephenie Meyer shockingly lowers the bar from the previous chapter. There's implied rape, a whole lot of sexism, an even more embarrassing round of "Guess What Superhero I Am, Bella," and the use of the word, "dazzle." Wait. Not "use." We meant to say, "Overabundance to the point of absurdity." Intrigued? Then it's time for Mark to read Twilight.

Dear Stephenie,

Hello there. It's Bella. Is it weird for me to be writing this? I'm essentially you, right? I mean, physically, at least, I'm an exact copy of every one of your body features. So does this mean I'm writing this to myself? Strange. Oh well.

Anyway, hi. So you've made me a character in your novel, Twilight. I'm really grateful for that. Really. I don't mean for this letter to come across as hostile. I'd never bite the hand that feeds me. But I was hoping, as your main protagonist, I could bring up some....well..."issues" I have with where my character development is headed. 

So far, we've made it through eight chapters and you haven't killed me off. Thanks for that; I mean it. You never know what an author is going to do to you. 

But, still, something is bugging me. See, right off the bat in chapter 8, you have me hanging out with Jessica and Angela. Now, I've said nice things about Angela so far, but I'm pretty sure you've made it a point to highlight how much I don't really care for anyone else in this town who isn't Edward. So...why am I hanging out with her and pretending like I enjoy her company? I mean, I know I'm a manipulative psycho already, but I'm not even getting anything out of this. 

Anyway, on to something more troubling. Look, I know that making me clueless, clumsy, and klutzy does you a great service. No, really. I get it. It's real convenient. But Port Angeles is such a small city and you somehow make me get lost in it. Don't you think that's kind of...demeaning? As if to suggest that without the help of a big, strong man, I'm utterly useless? I mean, you spell it out right there in the pages after I magically wander into some strange warehouse district adjacent to the town and am immediately stalked by four men who, of course, are ready to rape me.

I'm willing to do whatever because, again, I'm really glad I'm in your book. But don't you think that's a bit much? Especially when Edward comes to magically save me and then use this fact against me for the remainder of the chapter? The dude is starting to get real possessive. Did you count how many strict orders he gives me right after he saves me? (It's nine. Nine times he tells me what to do.)

I don't know what to tell you. I feel like this chapter was a demented special on Lifetime. You know: Women, don't go out alone and if you do, hope you have a strong man to save you. And make sure to meet his every demand after he does so.

It's weird. Is this a personal thing for you? You don't happen to be part of a religion that historically subjugates women, do you? I hope not.

Anyway, I'm still intrigued so far, but I'll admit I'm reluctant to see what I do next. So...could you make sure I not use the word "dazzle" three times on the same page? Could you also make sure I don't fall again? And I'm also a bit peeved that you had me subject myself to another round of guessing what Edward Cullen is. I mean, seriously. We all know he's a vampire. Can we just get over this and move on? Plus, he's starting to get an attitude about it. I think he truly believes he's actually Edward Cullen. :(

Ok, I'll stop here. That should be enough. Again, thank you for the opportunity!

Yours,

Bella Swan

Dear Mrs. Meyer,

I'm writing this letter to you, my dear author, by candlelight, here at my bedside. A cold breeze just drifted in through the open window, causing the drapes to rustle quietly. It would normally send a chill down my back, but my entire body is already cold from my condition. I only yearn for the warmth of red blood and the heat of my love for Bella Swan.

I'd like to take this opportunity to thank you, my Stephenie, for giving me the chance to become Edward Cullen. It is a dream I could never have imagined. Bella is my muse, my soul, the love of my life. I was ecstatic to read chapter 8; I learned that our relationship became even more urgent than it had before.

That being said, there's a few things I'd like to talk to you about to help...improve the story. And this isn't meant as a any sort of criticism! I absolutely adore what you're doing with my story. They're just a few things to merely accent the brilliance you're committing to paper. 

First off, I love that you've made it possible for Edward to figure out the whereabouts of Bella at any time via thought reading. That was a great way to make sure I was in the area for the events of chapter 8. It's a work of art, really; I cannot tell you how many times, as a male, that I've wanted to know precisely where a girl I was following was heading. In fact, just last week, I followed a cute young blonde out of my local Vons grocery story. As she climbed into her car, groceries on both hands, I knew exactly where she was headed. It was easy for me to drive a few cars behind her, so as not to arise any unwanted suspicion, and park across the street from her place. And I knew the exact moment when I could peek into her bedroom window to see her undress because of this gift you've given me. 

Though, I suppose this would help more if you hadn't made it so that I couldn't read Bella's thoughts. Isn't that a bit inconvenient for me? I mean, I had to read the minds of those SCUMBAGS who followed Bella without asking her. I mean, who would possibly think that was ok??? It's a good thing I was following her without asking her so I could heroically save her and then insult her for 15 pages. 

I'm also thrilled that you had Bella admit that she feels "instant security" in my presence. Literally, you could not make this easier for me! Now I can command her to do practically anything and she'll drop and follow my orders. It's wonderful! It's like she's a sick dog, or a child, or even a woman! Incredible, I must say. Our dinner conversation was made even better because of this. I can continue to be sarcastic, coy, bitter, angry, and flirtatious all at the same time! Most women would have kicked me to the curb for my constantly-changing emotional psyche; but no, not Bella. I can do anything I want and she's ready to blow me at a moment's notice.

The only thing I'm a bit weirded out about is having me say, quite literally, "Do I dazzle you?" Now, I'm not sure what your disposition is regarding this word, but if I'm to be the most masculine, intimidating, and sexy vampire of all time, isn't that word a bit...I don't know...demeaning? Childish? Weird? I actually thought the line was a joke when I first read it. Whatever, as long as I don't sparkle like a girl's toy, I'll be fine.

That's all I've got to say at this moment. I'm truly enjoying the experience and I look forward to taking mine and Bella's relationship to the next level. She's in the palm of my hand and I cannot wait for what the future brings.

Yours,

Edward Cullen