Mark Reads 'Twilight': Chapter 14

After the frightening events of chapter 13, the fourteenth chapter of Twilight presents our vampire, Edward, as possibly one of the most sociopathic characters in modern "literature." (That word is used with the loosest of definitions.) From constantly lying, to making grandiose statements, to admitting that he watches Bella every night while she sleeps, one would expect any rational woman to run to the hills in fear. Right? Right??? If you're intrigued, it's time for Mark to read Twilight.

I feel I need to say something before I continue with these:

I do not hate you if you enjoy Twilight.

I've gotten some "fan mail" (if you could even call it that?), but the overwhelming amount of private correspondence I've received since I started this project three weeks ago has been negative. Really negative. Like, "I WOULD LIKE YOU TO WRITE A BOOK THIS GOOD OH WAIT YOU CAN'T SO I HOPE YOUR WHOLE FAMILY BLOWS UP." Stuff like that. 

I'm not dumb enough to think that the Internet is without trolls or that Twilight fans wouldn't react negatively to this. And that's not why I'm writing this. I just wanted to clear things up: If you like Twilight, that's fine. If you were entertained by it, that's ok with me. If you read Twilight at one time or another, there's no need to feel ashamed about reading it. Especially since...well, I'm reading it too. And I'm a 25 year old dude.

This isn't meant as a way for me to slaughter Twilight fans with my words. This is not a personal attack on you. 

If you feel that this series is a gift to literature, we may have some issues. I may even publicly disagree with you. I don't hate you, though. 

There, is that better? Glad to have gotten this out of the way. On to today's review.

CHAPTER 14: MIND OVER MATTER

The Top 10 Reasons Why Your Boyfriend Might Not Be Right For You
With Evidence Taken Solely Out of Chapter 14 of Twilight 

1) Your boyfriend is a liar.

And I don't mean someone who makes a white lie here and there; I'm talking about people who tell fundamental mistruths that greatly disrupt your view of them or the world you're used to. 

Now, this could very well just be Meyer's terrible, terrible writing at fault; this would not be the first time that her intentions were muddled by poor diction. But it appears that the entirety of chapter 13 might very well be a lie. We're told that Edward sparkles in the sun (lol lol lol still hilarious), yet then we get this:

• Sometimes, he glanced at the setting sun, sometimes at me....

Meyer made no point to say that Edward needs direct sunlight to sparkle. So why isn't he sparkling right at that moment or any moment before this? 

Because Edward Cullen is a liar. Or Stephenie Meyer is so stupid that she built this whole character around a shitty wet dream of hers. Also, unrelated to this first point, but did Meyer....touch herself during this dream? Ok, nevermind, I won't go down that road.

2) He makes constant hyperbolic statements that are devoid of any understanding of reality.

And Edward makes a HUGE one in this chapter. Try this one out:

• "But Carlisle [Edward's "dad"] has always been the most humane, the most compassionate of us...I don't think you could find his equal throughout all of history.

Do you honestly mean to suggest that your vampire dad is the most compassionate creature to ever have existed??? I hate you, Stephenie Meyer.

3) He violates your right to privacy by spying on you.

This is only going to get worse. I promise you.

• He reached the door ahead of me and opened it for me. I paused halfway through the frame.

  "The door was unlocked?"

  "No, I used the key from under the eave."

  I stepped inside, flicked on the porch light, and turned to look at him with my eyebrows raised. I was sure I'd never used that key in front of him.

  "I was curious about you."

  "You spied on me?" But somehow I couldn't infuse my voice with the proper outrage. I was flattered.

You are not imagining this. Edward reveals in chapter 14 that he has been spying on Bella. And Bella is FLATTERED BY THIS. I should add to this that if your boyfriend spies on you and somehow compels you to feel a positive emotion about it, you need to run far, far away. Oh, and this is going to get worse. Just watch.

4) He causes you to turn on your friends and family.

Well, this is fun. Bella becomes sarcastic with her father when her father (rightfully) suspects she is up to something upon coming home. Edward uses his magical sense of speed to disappear just as Charlie enters the house, leaving Bella a bit flustered. She tries to pretend nothing has happened, but Charlie isn't an idiot. Bella can tell that he's going to check up on her, leading her to say/think the following:

• "See you in the morning, Dad." See you creeping into my room at midnight tonight to check on me.

You ungrateful fuckbag. First of all, THIS IS NOT YOUR HOUSE. Secondly, didn't Edward just reveal to you that he does this exact fucking thing to you already? Why is it ok for him to do it but not your CARING, LOVING FATHER? I hate you, Bella Swan. 

5) He watches you while you sleep.

OH THAT'S RIGHT EDWARD FUCKING WATCHES BELLA WHILE SHE SLEEPS. EVERY GODDAMN NIGHT. 

There is no better proof that Meyer has a screw loose in her head than this very moment. Edward nonchalantly admits that, nearly every night, he watches Bella sleep from inside of her own room. 

Again: Edward Cullen watches Bella sleep. 

Bella feigns anger, but it's entirely unbelievable, especially since she falls right back on worshipping this colossal stalker just two pages later. I literally cannot understand this, especially as someone who's actually been a victim of this. I had a stalker my freshman year of college who watched me while I slept. (She also took a step further when she finally broke into my room and slept in my bed, waiting for me to come back from a show for her.)

Do you know the kind of violation you feel when this happens? I don't care if that was Mario Lopez or Benjamin Bratt sleeping in my bed. I would be so freaked out that any attraction I may have had for that person would instantly dissipate. 

Creepiest. Book. Ever.

6) He constantly asserts his moral superiority over you.

Ready to get just as angry as I am?

• "That was the first night I came here. I wrestled all night, while watching you sleep, with the chasm between what I knew was right, moral, ethical, and what I wanted. I knew that if I continued to ignore you as I should, or if I left for a few years, till you were gone, that someday you would say yes to Mike, or someone like him. It made me angry."

JKL;AFDSKL;JAFSDKL;JASDFKLJASDKFLJASDHADS@#$#$%%$854JQ EDWARD CULLEN, YOU DO NOT HAVE A MORAL FIBER IN YOUR ENTIRE BODY. 

You spy on the girl you like. You watch her sleep. You listen to her speak whilst asleep. You follow her everywhere. You don't ever wrestle with what's moral or ethical because you clearly do not understand what that means.

I swear, I thought chapter 13 was the pinnacle of creepy fiction. Sigh.

7) He constantly criticizes other people in your life.

And Edward does this a lot, most especially when a person doesn't deserve it. 

So while Bella was talking to her father and Edward was off hiding....I don't know where, actually. Anyway, he listens in on the thoughts of Charlie and this is what he tells Bella:

• "Just now, when Charlie asked you about that vile Mike Newton..." He shook his head angrily.

Wait a second, why is Mike VILE? The worst thing he may have ever done was....nothing? He's been nothing but nice and kind to Bella, save for that weird moment when he expressed his distaste for the way Edward looked her. Maybe it's because Edward is a jealous, irrational asshole. Just maybe!

8) He possesses a basic misunderstanding of how to use words in sentences.

Perhaps this is just personal preference for me, but this hurts to read. In a section in which Edward explains his families' "powers" to Bella, he says the following:

• "Jasper is very interesting. He was quite charismatic in his first life, able to influence those around him to see things his way. Now he is able to manipulate the motions of those around him--calm down a room of angry people, for example, or excite a lethargic crowd, conversely. It's a very subtle gift.

Unless I was merely taught wrong, THAT IS THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF "SUBTLE." IN EVERY WAY, SHAPE, AND FORM. Being able to control thoughts is a MONUMENTAL, LIFE-CHANGING GIFT. It is NOT SUBTLE AT ALL.

Ugh.

9) He discounts thoughts, ideas, and theories in single sentences.

Ok, yes, this should be directed at Stephenie Meyer, but who cares at this point? Check out this bit of wankery that Edward provides when Bella asks him where he came from:

• "Or, if you don't believe that all this world could have just happened on its own, which is hard for me to accept myself, is it so hard to believe that the same force that created the delicate angelfish with the shark, the baby seal and the killer whale, could create both our kinds together?"

It's important to understand that Meyer herself (and through Bella's narration) constantly thrusts upon us the idea that Edward is a perfect being. So, it would only be natural that Edward, in sync with Meyer's Mormonism, rejected all evolutionary thought in a single sentence.

I don't get how any of you enjoy this nonsense. 

10) He constantly threatens you with fatal violence.

How Bella doesn't thrust a stake through his heart upon this revelation I'll never know. But chapter 14 is the first occurrence of a repeating theme to come: At any moment, Edward could smash Bella into to pieces, so she better be careful!

• "I have to mind my actions every moment that we're together so that I don't hurt you. I could kill you quite easily, Bella, simply by accident." His voice had become just a soft murmur. He moved his icy palm to rest it against my cheek. "If I was too hasty...if for one second I wasn't paying enough attention, I could reach out, meaning to touch your face, and crush your skull by mistake. You don't realize how incredibly breakable you are. I can never, never afford to lose any kind of control when I'm with you."

And that's it. You've completely lost me, Meyer. This is the most unattractive character I can possibly imagine. Every trait you seem to think is a positive feature seems to be pulled from every Domestic Violence handbook ever made. What the fuck is this shit? How BREAKABLE you are? You are out of your mind if you expect me to believe that this is somehow romantic.

Ugh. Monday, Bella meets the Cullens. Please don't let this get any worse.