Mark Reads 'New Moon' Chapter 19

Mark Reads 'New Moon': Chapter 19

In the nineteenth chapter of New Moon, Alice and Bella board a plane headed to some strange Italian city with a castle. (We're pretty sure Meyer just Wikipedia'd the name of some obscure city and made it the center piece of her finale.) Then Alice actually agrees to eventually make Bella a vampire. Someday. And then the entire world ceases to exist when we find out that Edward is going to commit suicide by sparkling. NO. SERIOUSLY. Intrigued? Then it's time for Mark to read New Moon.

CHAPTER 19: RACE

There's a lot I'd like to talk about in discussing the 19th chapter of New Moon.

I'd like to discuss the seemingly impossible timeline that Alice and Bella are running on, allowing them to somehow meet Edward in Italy when he has a full day's head start and they are stuck with the whims of international flights.

I'd like to talk about how Meyer has one character say, "So tell me more!" while the other then launches into a painfully obvious backstory.

I'd like to talk about how Alice has no problem turning Bella into a vampire, short of her worry that she might not be able to stop feeding on her, and I'd like to talk about how this presents a really damaging example to set for more easily-influenced readers.

I'd like to talk about how when Alice goes into deep thought and tries to see more of the future, Meyer actually makes her put both her hands on her temples, like psychics do in fucking cartoons.

I'd like to talk about how Bella calls out Alice for her inconsistent visions of the future and Alice simply gives a non-answer about how she's just "closer" to certain things. And that's it. Bella buys it.

There's a lot here in chapter 19 that's pretty bogus, detrimental, and just stupid. But I can't. I can't do it. Not today. It's just not possible.

There's an elephant in the room. And we need to talk about it.

In chapter 19 of New Moon, we discover that Edward Cullen is going to commit suicide by sparkling.

Have you digested it yet? Does it make anymore sense than it did 5 seconds ago? No? Then let me allow some more time for you to consider this.

Still there?

Not yet?

It's not going to make much more sense. I could give you context and say that Edward is going to go to the Volturi and upset them on their *~super secret speshul day~* by drawing attention to the fact that vampires live in the city of Volterra, thereby inducing their wrath and his death, but then I'm forced to remind you exactly how he is going to do this.

Edward Cullen is going to commit suicide by sparkling.

No, seriously. Let's ignore the fact that there is not a single person on the entire globe who would ever, ever see a sparkling man and think, "JESUS SHIT CHRIST VAMPIRES ARE REAL HOLY GOD." Even if we give Meyer the benefit of the doubt, it still remains that Edward Cullen is going to commit suicide by sparkling.

Again, this is not made up. This is not a joke. This is not a parody.

So I'm making a demand. If you honestly enjoy this series (and NOT as a guilty pleasure or a casual, trashy read), I need to know:

How in the world did you ever make it past this page? How did you not throw your book onto a freeway from an overpass or light it on fire?

I'll be nice to you. I just need to know.

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Comments (108)

	alexisroyse: 10/09/2009 4:04 PM ahh it's just a guilty pleasure for me (fangs up). i'm afraid i have no answers to these burning life questions i think we all want answers to. this series is insanely ridiculous and i'm glad you're subjecting yourself to this for us mark. because your reviews make me smile. :)
	yashiyama: 10/09/2009 4:07 PM LOLLLL DEATH BY SPARKLING OH GOD -dies from laughter-
	Reverie3: 10/09/2009 4:23 PM Death by sparkle, hmmmm, didn't think of it quite like that. It was more like,"This is soo ridiculous...".(shakes head and tries to stop laughing)
	missxxromanticide: 10/09/2009 4:28 PM Uh Well-a well-a well-a huh Tell me more, tell me more Did you get very far? Tell me more, tell me more Like does he have a car? Uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh Sorry thats all I could think of when I read the beginning! As always, Mark I love you and your reviews make me laugh!
	GoodLuckLex: 10/09/2009 4:29 PM & I thought I was the only 1 who noticed the truth! but, gah! I was just 13 when I read it as a guilty pleasure but it is my least favorite out of the books 'cause by then I figured how bad a writer smeyer was. Bella, who I didn't even like in twilight, grew into a complete suicidal whiny idiot.... I infact did stop and didn't want to read Eclipse until last year I found out there was going to be a movie. & THE MOVIE IS COMPLETE BULLSHIT!
	sugar777: 10/09/2009 4:30 PM wow. I used to be a twi-hard and I honestly don't have an answer for how I didn't take a flame thrower to this book and run screaming into the night. I really don't know why this thought : "Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?" didn't pass through my brain.
	Severus Snape (can read your mind): 10/09/2009 4:42 PM And I thought this couldn't be more stupid... At least Meyer exceeded my expectatives for once. LOL, I lovo the "time" you gave us to digest xD
	candle 1988: 10/09/2009 4:45 PM It was a casual read for me! I read it while waiting in waiting rooms, and to put myself to sleep! So, I remembered that he went there to kill himself, but until I read your post I had no idea that he was doing it by sparkling! I guess I can't answer your question! But as usual I do enjoy your antics! (((:
	Draco Malfoy crossdresses as Annabel Evelyn: 10/09/2009 5:17 PM whoisit said: Get ready to meet Hot Sugar Daddy and Sugar Baby here. Totally FREE for sugar babies and FREE for all sugar daddies to join, create a profile,and contact other members.___Sugarloves.Com___ Only two steps to complete! There may be harvested STOP TAINTING GOOD POLLS AND JOURNALS. STOP IT.
	Draco Malfoy crossdresses as Annabel Evelyn: 10/09/2009 5:18 PM Wait. So how does Edward Cullen plan to commit suicide again? I didn't quite get it.
	prettyinpunk27: 10/09/2009 5:37 PM I'm curious. Would Edward's suicide note read "Do I dazzle you?"
	vamoki: 10/09/2009 5:39 PM When I see a guy sparkling in the sun I assume he has body glitter on and that he's part of the gay pride parade. Now if a person who steps in the sunlight and starts catching flames and starts screaming in agony until their a pile of ash then I would assume there a vampire. seriously goes this woman think the 21st century is that fascinated or amazed at people with body glitter on even people in italy would stop and say "hey maybe this person has body glitter on and I should move on with my life"
	I R Kitten, HEAR ME rewr: 10/09/2009 5:43 PM whoisit said: Get ready to meet Hot Sugar Daddy and Sugar Baby here. Totally FREE for sugar babies and FREE for all sugar daddies to join, create a profile,and contact other members.___Sugarloves.Com___ Only two steps to complete! There may be harvested whoisit said: There may be harvested ????????????????????????????????
	wolfmane: 10/09/2009 5:51 PM vamoki said: When I see a guy sparkling in the sun I assume he has body glitter on and that he's part of the gay pride parade. Now if a person who steps in the sunlight and starts catching flames and starts screaming in agony until their a pile of ash then I would assume there a vampire. seriously goes this woman think the 21st century is that fascinated or amazed at people with body glitter on even people in italy would stop and say "hey maybe this person has body glitter on and I should move on with my life" Yeah, my first thought at seeing a sparkly person is not "Omg Vampire!" Maybe with description we have of him having like diamond-studded skin, I might think "Liberace much?" (P.S. Marla Singer for the win.)
	wolfmane: 10/09/2009 5:53 PM Oh, I do also have to compliment you, Mark, on your use of space-filled gaps. Very New Moon of you.
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