Mark Reads Twilight (So You Don't Have To)

In the twentieth chapter of New Moon, Stephenie Meyer attempts to write a dramatic and suspenseful scene to end her novel. She fails. Miserably. Not only is it nowhere near suspenseful, but you find out there are still 100 pages left of the book, making this the most uninteresting plot turn ever penned. Then Edward quotes Romeo & Juliet and then it's really boring, and then you realize there are still 100 pages left in the book. Intrigued? Then it's time for Mark to read New Moon.

Sorry about the long break between the last entry and this one. If you didn't know, I was off on a bicycle for some band's video. But I'm back and ready to go!

CHAPTER 20: VOLTERRA

And now I remember why I was so happy the last 5 days. I didn't have to read this bullshit and I forgot how miserable this is.

No, seriously, we're right at the part when Meyer realizes, "Well, shit. My characters have been dicking around for 400 some odd pages and I haven't introduced a single conflict. They just stand around and make allusions to sex but never actually have it. I suppose I should crank up the action!"

So with no explanation at all, Alice and Bella are SUDDENLY IN A SMALL ITALIAN TOWN WITH A CASTLE AND A SINGLE ROAD INTO TOWN. God, it's so fucking bogus. I can't believe I'm wasting energy typing this. The narrative then shifts to Meyer trying her very hardest to describe white knuckle action. There's traffic! We can't pass! Oh my god, this guard isn't going to let us through! We can try to bribe him, but is it going to work? There are so many people here! How will Bella ever make it across the courtyard in time to stop Edward??!?!?!?!?!?

BORING.

Because Meyer's writing style is about as lively as a glass of water, this all falls horrendously flat. Not only do I not care about a single character, but the action is dense, predictable, and wildly uninteresting. OH GOD CROWDS OF PEOPLE ARE SOOOOOO DANGEROUS! Ugh. When hasn't this been done before?

Of course, none of this is without Meyer's brand of cluelessness about the world, as she deftly demonstrates more evidence that she simply Googles everything she wants to put in her book.

• His face was dazed as he retrieved his hand and stared at the thick roll of money he now held. The outside bill was a thousand dollar bill.

That's right. Alice bribes a guard blocking the entrance to Volterra with a thousand dollar bill. 

I don't know if you're aware of this, Stephenie Meyer, but $1,000 bills haven't been printed since 1945. Additionally, I'm also not sure you're aware that you just put your own characters in Italy, not the United States. Most people would easily be weirded out by taking foreign currency. 

Wankery. Pure wankery.

Ah, but we're not even to the worst part. When Bella finally finds Edward (and it's inferred that he had just ripped off his shirt seconds before Bella sees him), she runs directly into him. Because he's the dumbest mind-reading vampire of all time, he actually thinks he has died instantly and gone to Hell. (I DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT PART AND NEITHER SHOULD YOU.) So he says the following:

• "I can't believe how quick it was. I didn't feel a thing--they're very good," he mused, closing his eyes again and pressing his lips against my hair. His voice was like honey and velvet. [Author's note: WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN] "Death, that hath sucked they honey of thy breath, hath no power yet upon thy beauty," he murmured, and I recognized the line spoken by Romeo in the tomb. 

EDWARD CULLEN ACTUALLY QUOTES ROMEO & JULIET, IN WHICH A CHARACTER IS SO FUCKING STUPID WITH LUST THAT HE KILLS HIMSELF, BELIEVING THAT HIS BEST GAL FRIEND HAS KILLED HERSELF, WHEN SHE ACTUALLY HAS NOT DIED. THE ENTIRE SITUATION COULD HAVE BEEN AVOIDED BY A SIMPLE CONFIRMATION OF THE DEATH, BUT EDWARD FAILS TO SEE THE MORONIC IRONY THAT HE IS DOING EXACTLY THE SAME FUCKING THING AT THAT VERY MOMENT. 

This is the worst book of all time. 

BUT WAIT. THERE IS ANOTHER PLOT TWIST! OH MY GOD, THIS IS THE MOST EXCITING BOOK OF ALL TIME.

I don't even know how to describe what happens at the end of the chapter because it's so anticlimactic and boring. But basically some of the Volturi confront Edward because he was about to kill himself, but he doesn't, but they want to kill him anyway? And possibly Bella too? And then Alice shows up and things are supposed to be *~super tense~* but they're not because some weird girlboy shows up three sentences later and directs them into a hole in the ground. 

Again, not making this up.

I imagine I am going to have to suffer through some stupid Volturi meeting in tomorrow's chapter. But, again, there are still 100 pages left. I cannot imagine what is left to write about in this story. 100 pages left. WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.