Mark Reads 'New Moon': Chapter 22

In the twenty second chapter of New Moon, the utter wankery of the entire series comes to a frothing fury as some of the dumbest diction and most ridiculous plot turns leave the reader with a headache and a desire to gouge their eyes out. Meyer, in one sentence, completely invalidates the entire book by directly contradicting the plot and reuniting Edward and Bella. Where's Jacob? WHO CARES! What about consistent character development? NOT IMPORTANT! Intrigued? Then it's time for Mark to read New Moon.

CHAPTER 22: FLIGHT

Look, before I go on my SRS BSNS rant that isn't funny and won't be enjoyable for anyone but myself, let's talk about all the truly awful garbage jam-packed into this chapter. A brief summary before I begin:

By now, this accurately describes how I feel about this series. I'm floaty lightly in a completely undependable vehicle in a large body of water. I'm seconds away from drowning. Of stupid.

Shall we?

• Demetri left us in the cheerfully opulent reception area...

Cheerfully. Opulent. Cheerfully opulent. Please make this stop.

• His voice was rough--if velvet can be rough--with anxiety.

YEAH VELVET CAN'T BE ROUGH. BY DEFINITION. SO I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU ASKED US IF IT COULD BE ROUGH. Jesus, are you that uncertain about the words you're writing??

• I heard a sound that didn't make sense, a strange, ripping counterpart to the otherwise cheery background music. Distracted by the shaking, I couldn't tell where it was coming from...Then I understood. Oh. The noise was from me. The ripping sound was the sobs coming from my chest.

It's apparent that Meyer doesn't understand basic body mechanics. I understand how shock works, but please tell me how you can not realize YOU ARE CRYING, WHICH REQUIRES BREATHING. NO SERIOUSLY, WHAT IS THIS.

• I felt the blood leave my face. "She wants to be one of them?"

  He nodded once, his eyes sharp on my face, watching my reaction.

  I shuddered. "How can she want that?" I whispered, more to myself than really looking for an answer. "How can she watch those people file through to that hideous room and want to be a part of that?"

Bella is not even a vampire and she's already condescending and elitist. YOU WANT TO BE A VAMPIRE TOO, REMEMBER? OH MY GOD, HOW STUPID CAN YOU BE?

• Lucky Alice. She could trust her future.

NO, SHE CANNOT. IN FACT, THE ENTIRE FINAL PLOT PIECE OF THIS BOOK IS ENTIRELY BASED ON THE FACT THAT ALICE'S FUTURE IS NEVER CERTAIN, ALWAYS CHANGING, AND BASED ON THE WHIMS OF EVERY SINGLE THING THAT EXISTS IN THE PHYSICAL AND METAPHYSICAL WORD. LITERALLY, YOU COULD NOT BE MORE WRONG ABOUT THE BOOK YOU WROTE YOURSELF.

Fucking hell. This is not an amateur mistake. This is stupidity.

• There were others in black satin cloaks now, and the plastic fangs I'd seen on the child in the square today seemed to be very popular with the adults. "Ridiculous," Edward muttered once.

Oh, you did not go there, you asshole. YOU SPARKLE IN DIRECT SUNLIGHT, YOU CALL YOURSELF A VEGETARIAN WHEN YOU ACTUALLY STILL DRINK ANIMAL BLOOD, AND YOU TRIED TO KILL YOURSELF BASED ON THE FAULTY LIE OF SOMEONE WHO HATES YOUR GIRLFRIEND. You are not one to judge.

• Edward seemed perfectly content to hold me in his arms, his fingers tracing my face again and again. I touched his face, too. I couldn't stop myself...

Yeah, they are on an airplane from Rome to ATLANTA. I feel so bad for the poor saps stuck around them. 

They finally return home and Charlie is LIVID with both Edward and Bella, but Bella just says, "CUT IT OUT, DAD!" like an 8th grader being embarrassed by her parents in front of her peers. Only this time, YOU RAN AWAY FROM HOME, FLEW TO ITALY, AND BROUGHT BACK YOUR ABUSIVE, SHITBAG BOYFRIEND. Did you expect a red carpet? WHAT THE FUCK.

And now we move on to the SRS BSNS portion of this post.

Something triggered a thought in my head today after reading this chapter. I read it early this morning and continued about my day, trying to find an inspiration for what I would write about today. I thought about how this book is structured to explore a sappy relationship (or at least Meyer attempts to portray it this way) for the majority of the text. In many ways, as I said in the closing review for Twilight, I'm the exact polar opposite of the intended audience.

Which lead me to think about demographics and marketing and how the Twilight series is honestly one of the most marketable things I've ever come across. And everywoman falls in love with a vampire and a werewolf. Both are utter perfection and represent every positive stereotype for men imaginable. Both want her and the woman is conflicted. Who does she choose?

While many people would love the opportunity to have just one attractive man begging for their attention (See: This guy right here), Bella exists in a world where everyone (minus Rosalie) wants her. Her parents, her friends, Jacob, Esme, Edward, Carlisle, etc. And sure, there's a lot to be said for the theory that Bella was written so that people (See: Stephenie Meyer) could insert themselves into the narrative and immerse themselves in a world of adventure and romance.

Plenty of books work this way. But I wondered how many Twilight fans are aware of the machine of money and influence that sits behind these books. I don't know what it was that inspired these thoughts in me from chapter 22. Perhaps it was the irritating method in which Meyer reunites Bella with Edward, which then glorifies and validates all of the horrible, self-harming things she did once he left. And it makes me wonder: do Twilight fans know that all this is being sold to them?

Obviously, I am not Meyer and I can't read her mind, but it was chapter 22 of New Moon that made me feel that this book was...forced. Disingenuous. Methodical. Everything happens for a reason and everything works out in the end. It's not offensive (at least it wasn't intended to be) and it begs for worship. 

It feels like it was made to smell.

Do any of you feel this way too? Ignore the product tie-ins and the movies and all that. Purely from a literary stand point: Does this series feel like it was written to make money?