Mark Reads 'New Moon': Chapter 23

In the twenty third chapter of New Moon............look, you're just going to have to read this review. It is nearly impossible to succinctly summarize the density of stupid that occurs in chapter 23. And the victim-blaming. And the emotional abuse. And the syntax errors. And....the list doesn't end. In short: you are not prepared for what's about to happen. Intrigued? Then it's time for Mark to read New Moon.

Look, I'm entirely serious about this. Please take note, in case you aren't sitting down or you're on a cliff somewhere and might feel prone to jumping off.

YOU ARE NOT PREPARED FOR THIS BULLSHIT.

CHAPTER 23: THE TRUTH

• My mind was dazed and slow; strange colorful dreams--dreams and nightmares--swirled dizzily around the inside of my head...The dream was still strong...But the strongest, clearest part of the dream was not the horror...This dream did not want to be shoved away into the vault of dreams I refused to revisit.

JESUS PLEASE USE ANOTHER WORD. First it was "topaz." Now "dream." Stop it. 

• "Oh!" I gasped, and threw my fists over my eyes.

What. I'm sorry, did you just punch yourself? WHAT DOES THIS EVEN MEAN

• "I'm dead, right?" I moaned. "I did drown." Crap, crap, crap! This is gonna kill Charlie!"

  Edward frowned, too. "You're not dead."

  "Then why am I not waking up?" I challenged, raising my eyebrows.

Just so you know, for nearly the entire chapter, Meyer actually pursues this plot piece in which Bella truly believes she has died. And despite the evidence to the contrary, she believes she is dead. Why? Because Meyer is an overdramatic hack of a writer.

• "Charlie banned you from the house?" I asked, disbelief melting into fury. 

  His eyes were sad. "Did you expect anything else?"

  My eyes were mad. I was going to have a few words with my father--perhaps it would be a good time to remind him that I was over the legal age of adulthood.

No. Seriously. SERIOUSLY. This is an actual quote from the book. 

Bella, you've spent two books demonstrating your clear lack of maturity and your complete disregard for your father. The very least he could do was to ban that abusive, uncaring piece of shit from your house.

UGH.

Wait. Wait. You aren't prepared for this. 

• "...when I realized that you had to put your life in the hands of werewolves, immature, volatile, the worst thing out there besides Victoria herself"--he shuddered and the gust of words halted for a short second.

HASJLHSADFHJKLASDFJLHASDFJKLHASDK;

DFSAJKLFASDKJEIOWR897235LK;2435#$%IOUWTERYPDFA

EDWARD CULLEN IS A RACIST. 

Pretty much, though, if you think about it. He has a longstanding hatred of a group of dark-skinned people just because they traditionally have beef with them and it doesn't matter how friendly and supportive Jacob has been because he's an immature, filthy werewolf!

Oh god, this is fucking bullshit, guys. Complete and utter bullshit.

Wait for it. Just wait for it.

• "The odds...," he muttered then, distracted. His voice was so low I wasn't sure I heard it right. "The odds are always stacked against us. Mistake after mistake. I'll never criticize Romeo again."

NEWSFLASH, STEPHENIE MEYER:

QUOTING 'ROMEO AND JULIET' DOES NOT MAKE YOU INTELLIGENT AND DOES NOT IMPROVE THE QUALITY OF YOUR POOR EXCUSE FOR FICTION.

Yeah.

• "When we were in the forest, when I was telling you goodbye--" I didn't allow myself to remember. I fought to keep myself in the present second only. "You weren't going to let go," he whispered. "I could see that. I didn't want to do it--it felt like it would kill me to do it--But I knew that if I couldn't convince you that I didn't love you anymore, it would just take you that much longer to get on with your life. I hoped that, if you thought I'd moved on, so would you."

THIS.

IS.

HER.

BOYFRIEND.

This is her *~eternal love~* speaking to her. This is the same guy we're supposed to idolize and fall in love with as well. BUT BELLA, I PURPOSELY BROKE YOUR HEART SO THAT I WOULDN'T BE SO HEARTBROKEN MYSELF. I DID THIS FOR YOU!

Oh my god, this is horrible.

So while this goes on for a page or two too long, I'm thinking to myself, "There is no way this can get worse than some dude apologizing for lying in order to break up with a girl and the girl accepting this as a valid reason. No way this can get worse."

You are not prepared.

• His mouth was on mine then, and I couldn't fight him. Not because he was so many thousand times stronger than me, but because my will crumbled into dust the second our lips met.

Yep, you are reading what essentially adds up to rape-glorifying fanfiction. I wanted to resist, but I couldn't, because he was so strong!

Nope. Nope. Not gonna get behind this.

Wait, though. Because Edward is just about to validate all of his stalkery, overprotective tendencies.

• "What I want and need is to be with you, and I know I'll never be strong enough to leave again. I have too many excuses to stay--thank heaven for that! It seems you can't be safe, no matter how many miles I put between us!"

THERE YOU GO. I have to protect your frail, womanly mistakes!

JESUS HOW DO ANY OF YOU SUPPORT THIS NONSENSE?

Sit down. Just sit down. Make sure you aren't holding any babies or cute animals. Make sure you don't have any weapons around.

• "This isn't just about you anymore. You're not the center of the universe, you know." My own personal universe, of course, was a different story. "If you're going to bring the Volturi down on us over something as stupid as leaving me human, then your family ought to have a say."

  "A say in what?" he asked, each word distinct.

  "My mortality. I'm putting it to a vote."

oh
my
god

First of all, YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT YOUR OWN PERSONAL UNIVERSE IN THIS CONTEXT. This is EXACTLY what you were discussing with Edward prior to this. So your witty "retort" doesn't make any sense. Additionally....ARE YOU SERIOUS. IS THIS REALLY HAPPENING.

This is horrible. Terrible. Trite. Worthless. Stupid. Damaging. If you enjoy New Moon and actually believe it's a worthy work of fiction, I only have one thing to say to you:

Now go find some dumb Twi-hards, show them this blog, and let's have a party in the comments.