Mark Reads Twilight (So You Don't Have To)

In the epilogue of New Moon, Meyer briefly and succinctly creates 15 pages worth of trite, disgusting garbage that are actually worse than the previous 24 chapters. Combined. Not content ruining her father's life, she decides to begin stalking Jacob by phone (REMEMBER HIM???). This prompts Jacob to come to her house with her motorcycle in attempt to be honest with Charlie. This backfires ruthlessly and we are forced to suffer through the most disturbing dialogue ever penned to paper. Intrigued? Then it's time for Mark to finish New Moon.

EPILOGUE-TREATY

Twilight: An Act In Multiple Parts

Act 7
Scene 1

[BELLA SWAN sits alone in a chair at her father's house. The house is empty and the table is blank, except for a single bowl that sits in the middle of the table. An assortment of rotted fruit spills over the edge of the bowl and a fly buzzes away as we look at BELLA, dejected and clearly despondent. She's crying and she's been for a while. Her eyes are red, puffy, still watering. She pulls her head out of her hands and stops staring at the fruit.

BELLA: It's all my fault. It's all my fault. I did this. I did all of this. 

[BELLA drops her head to the table and we hear a quiet sob and we can see her shoulders rise and fall with each new bout of crying. A minute goes by and the silence is filled with her despair. She looks up again, focuses on the fruits.]

BELLA: It's so easy. I should have just kept my mouth shut. I should have just listened to him. I should have just left things alone. 

[She stands up and walks to the kitchen counter next to her, tracing the lines in between the tiles. Her voice wavers as she speaks.]

BELLA: When I finally got past Charlie's anger, when I finally convinced him that Edward was going to be a part of my life, I thought I'd be fine. I thought we'd be able to move forward, to live with some sort of happiness. Edward starting applying to colleges and I started to as well.¹ But I just had to pick up the phone. I just had to call him.

[BELLA walks over to the phone on the other side of the counter. She picks it up and caresses it while speaking to the audience.]

BELLA: I missed him. I missed Jacob so much. I mean, I'd forgotten completely about him once Edward came home², but once I started to go back to school, I thought about him. 

[BELLA hangs up the phone.]

BELLA: I missed his smile. And I missed his optimism. I missed him caring about me and respecting me like an individual. I needed to hear his voice again. So I started small. I called him at night. I'd wait until Charlie kicked Edward out of the house and before Edward snuck back after Charlie went to bed.³ I'd call and there'd be no answer. Then Billy started answering...Billy didn't seem to like me anymore. But he started telling me that Jacob didn't want to speak to me. There weren't anymore lies; he wouldn't say Jacob was sleeping or that he was off with the boys. He'd tell me, directly, that Jacob just didn't want to come to the phone.⁴

I didn't believe him. I couldn't believe. What Jacob and I had was special! He knew it. I knew it. I knew he wanted to talk to me and I knew he was in love with me. There's no way he could resist much longer.⁵

So I kept calling him. And I didn't stop. And it was the catalyst in the chemical reaction of our personal fears and our deepest regrets and it set fire. And Jacob couldn't stop science. He couldn't stop biology. This was destiny and he was destined to meet me that day on my front stoop, waiting to accept a future he knew he couldn't resist.⁶

So there he stood, just out of view, but we knew he was there. Edward could hear him. I saw my cherry red motorcycle sitting in the driveway. It was the same motorcycle that Jacob had built for me, the same motorcycle I'd used to hear Edward's voice, time and time again. I didn't need the motorcycle anymore.

[BELLA sits back down at the table and she leans back in the chair, sighs up towards the ceiling.]

BELLA: I did this. This is my fault. 

[BELLA reaches over to the bowl of rotten fruit and grabs an apple. It's brown and distended with rot. A maggot falls from a hole in the side. She grips it in her right hand as juice drips down her forearm.]

BELLA: Jacob wanted me so bad that he brought my motorcycle in order to get me grounded.⁷ Poor kid. He was too naive to realize I was already grounded and that an angry father would never be able to stop Edward. 

[She drops the apple to the table. It smacks against the wood with a sickening sound.]

BELLA: I don't know why I didn't shut up. I don't know why I didn't treat Jacob with the respect he deserved. I don't know why I went for the jugular, why I went for his heart. 

I heard Charlie yelling in the background.⁸ I saw the pain in Jacob's face as I made it clear that not only had I chose to be with Edward, but I'd chosen to become a vampire as well. And when I tried to ask him to be friends with me, I already knew the answer.

[BELLA slams her hand down on the apple as pieces fly across the table. She stands up and begins to shout at the audience.]

BELLA: I did this! This is my doing! Jacob stared at me, his heart shattered, and he reached for me.⁹ [BELLA extends her hand towards the audience.] He reached for me and I denied him, at first, but I realized I needed. If not as my true love, as my friend. My best friend.

I can still feel Edward's hands on my arms, holding me back. I can still see Jacob's anger and sadness as Edward shoved me behind him, protecting me from Jacob's inevitable conversion to that...beast.¹⁰ As Edward was prepared to save my life, again, I watched Jacob leave. Defeated. Hurt.

Edward is my life. Edward is my true love. Edward is everything I want. And Edward was there for me.

I could face anything as long as that was true.¹¹

But I can't face this. I've destroyed another person. Again. I've destroyed a soul. [BELLA slowly walks back to the chair at the kitchen table, sits down, and stares at the rotten apple remains.] This is my fault. This is all my fault.

To be continued...¹²

Author's Notes: 

1) VAMPIRES GO TO COLLEGE. WHAT THE FUCK. HOW ARE THEY GOING TO GO TO CLASSES DURING THE DAYTIME. 
2) No, seriously, the entire epilogue reads like Meyer suddenly realized that she'd devoted the entire book to a character and then FORGOTTEN ABOUT HIM, so she HAS to write about him. Fuck this bullshit.
3) THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENS! Do you realize the implications of this? That means Bella bullied her way into making Charlie accept that Edward had to stay, despite the fact that she was clearly in the wrong about all of this. WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
4) AJSDAFHJLAFSDKLJ;ASDFKLJ; STOP STALKING PEOPLE ON THE PHONE YOU FUCKING CREEP.
5) And that's what's so fucking unnerving about Bella. She actually acts genuinely confused as to why Jacob wouldn't talk to her. And I quote: "It's just plain rude!" I vented one Saturday afternoon when Edward picked me up from work. Being angry about things was easier than feeling guilty. "Downright insulting!" I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'RE AWARE OF THIS, YOU HEARTLESS SO, BUT YOU BROKE JACOB'S HEART. JESUS CHRIST, YOU ARE SO SELF-INVOLVED.
6) Just so you know, I'm not just writing this flowery prose for the hell of it. Jacob really does show up at Bella's house with her motocycle. Since Edward can read minds, he knows Charlie is pissed and Jacob's trying to...well, just read ahead. You'll see.
7) Seriously. Jacob tattles on Bella in the hopes Charlie will ground her and then Edward can't see her. BUT EDWARD IS A VAMPIRE WHO CAN HIDE AND RUN 344574398789 MILES AN HOUR. Surely Jacob isn't this dumb? Sigh.
8) So this entire time, Charlie knows his daughter and Edward are outside, but he won't come outside to see them, so he instead yells IN ALL CAPS (really) about how mad he is at her. I don't get this.
9) Ok, look, Jacob is naive and romantic and silly, but his characterization throughout the novel does not paint him as a dramatic person. In fact, he's one of the more muted characters in the book, despite his weird transformations to a werewolf. So I don't understand why he stands, like, ten feet from Bella and just raises his hand for her. Like this is a musical and she's about to leap across her doorway to enter into a longform dance routine. WHAT.
10) NO. GET THIS. GET A LOAD OF THIS SEXIST, OVERPROTECTIVE WANKERY. When Jacob extends his hand to Bella and when Bella feels the desire just to HUG Jacob, Edward physically prevents her from doing so. First, he holds her back, which angers Jacob, and then he shoves her behind him to use his body as a shield against...hugs? I don't know. Just...what the hell??? WHAT IS THIS. FUCK THIS SO HARD.
11) Nope. A real line in the book. As long as Edward was with her, she could face anything. LIKE DESTROYING HER FAMILY AND ALL HER FRIENDSHIPS.
12) I ranted enough yesterday to fill a lifetime worth of reviews, so I'm not going to end my New Moon reviews with a long-winded burst of fury like I did with Twilight. You should already know how I feel by now. In a nutshell: It's dangerously sexist, probably racist, full of way too many uncomfortable references to Mormon theology and culture, full of nonsensical characterization, poorly written, and increasingly annoying. So, since I've finished this book and no one can ever claim I don't know what I'm talking about because I haven't read it, I've got something to say.

As of right now, New Moon is infinitely worse than Twilight and is the absolute worst piece of fiction I have ever had the displeasure of reading.