Mark Reads Twilight (So You Don't Have To)

In the second chapter of Eclipse, we are left dumbfounded by Edward removing the engine of Bella's car in order to prevent her from seeing Jacob. Repeat: Edward removes the engine of Bella's car in order to prevent her from from seeing Jacob. Did you get that? Edward removes the engine of Bella's car in order to prevent her from seeing Jacob. Intrigued? Then it's time for Mark to read Eclipse.

CHAPTER 2: EVASION

LOL JUST ~8*experamentin*8~ with sum new fonts wat do u think? do u liek?

BlinGeE tImE!

Build your own Blingee

Make custom Glitter Graphics

i relLlY luV hoW rOmAnTic EdwARd iS in tHIs chaPTer wat Do U tHInk????? 

my favrite is when bella and edward kiss because i want a man to make out with who is just like edward lol1! just give me edward lol!¹

oh lol so lol i really want to just ~*hold him*~ in my arms because i will feel ~*safe*~ and *~protected~* from the ~~**outside world**~~. because there are few things as ~~~***sexy***~~~ as being told that it's ~~~~~~*****~*~*~ok to disobey your parents² **~*~*~****~*~*~*~. lol~!

wait u want more blingess omygod ok lol i love to show my love of edward i hope these r ok

:sighs: i lurve my edward so much that i'll objectify abusive behavior but excuse it because he's hot and totally cares for me. :true love:

i love that in this chapter of eclipse edward sticks up for bella in front of charlie and he's so daring!³ he totes demans that charlie let his daughter go because she is a adult nao so why is he being such a doosh and tellin her how to live her life and where she can and cannot go. its dum she is her own person and she should be able to do whatever she wants.

edward is liek the best boyfriend eva because he protects bella from jacob by refusing to let her go hang out with him!⁴ like :swoon: that is so romanitc and stuff lol i wish i had a man to tell me what's best for me! i dont understand why people get mad at edward for this because wouldnt u want  him watchin over you like jesus and making sure you make no mistakes. if you don't like edward you don't like jesus and im sorry but we canot be frienz.

besides you just don't ~*understand*~ edward. did u kno htat he inspires bella to stand up to her hitler dad?⁵ that guy is llike a dicktater r somethin why does he always tell her what to do ? bella makes me want to rebel aginst my parents who r dumb and dont know whats best for me. only edward does. lol look at me talkin bout him liek hes real lol! one day he will be

so i dont kno why u dont love this series because its the best and the end of the chapter is why. alice sees bellas future or somethin and its blank and it turns out you cant see the future of wolves⁶ so alice figures out that bella is gonna visit jacob. stupid bella yeah jacob is kinda hot but hes not ur ~*true love*~ so thats why edward takes out the engine on your car so that you cant see him⁷

u dont get it becuz ur dumb but edward has to do this or else he will lose bella. :swoon: where is my edward who will remove my brake cables or bol my door shut i just wanna man who will know me so well he can control me becuase thats wat love is.

u kno wat fuck u i loev edward nad i will wait here for him because love is love and you can't fight love its like in the bible or something and if u dont like the bible then u can just get off my page because this page is for god and for edward

Author's Notes:

1) There's a really uncomfortable scene (AREN'T THEY ALL?!!?!?!) where Bella tries to talk to Edward about something that's bothering her and Edward kisses her, knowing the physical effect he has on her, in order to shut her up. This is just depressing now.
2) Sigh. No, really. Bella is grounded FOR A REASON THAT IS COMPLETELY LEGITIMATE and Edward insists that Bella should do whatever she wants because she's 18. YOU LIVE IN HIS HOUSE. LIVE BY HIS RULES. Jesus. 
3) It hurts my head to try and explain this to you. But Edward is INSISTENT that Bella go visit her mom in Florida THIS VERY WEEKEND, no matter what her dad says. Bella says no, because she'd rather test her freedom after some time, so Edward does what any good boyfriend would do: He ignores Bella and asks Charlie directly if Bella can go visit her mom that weekend. With him. Cue a huge argument and lots of embarrassment on Bella's part. What a creep.
4) We find out the reason why Edward wants Bella to go to Florida THIS WEEKEND: Jacob's family has invited Bella and Charlie over for a party. OH NOES. Fuck you, Edward, you possessive fuckface. 
5) GET THIS: Charlie, naturally, freaks out that Edward wants to take Bella to Florida. So he re-grounds her. Dumb, yes, but the guy has almost no power over his own daughter, so it's all he has. Bella then tries to reason that she's not "headed off to Vegas to be a showgirl," and threatens to tell her mom that Charlie objected to her seeing her own mom. She essentially builds a logical straw man in order to reframe the argument and poor Charlie falls for it, fearing that Bella's mom will think that Bella wasn't allowed to go visit her. The irony of this all? Bella hates that Charlie controls her life, yet she's nowhere near as vigilant against Edward for the exact same thing. KILL ME QUICKLY.
6) I can't explain this. Meyer doesn't explain it well. Apparently it's a defense mechanism? But future-seeing vampires cannot see werewolves. Edward gives some bullshit, nonsensical explanation for it and seriously...it's really dumb. Can't Edward read Jacob's mind? How does this make any sense?
7) Did you think I was fucking with you? Edward takes apart Bella's car so that she can't go see Jacob. WHAT THE HOLY LIVING FUCK IS GOING ON IN THIS BOOK. Who approved this possessive garbage?