Mark Reads Twilight (So You Don't Have To)

In the sixth chapter of Eclipse, Stephenie Meyer makes light of one of the most hilarious subjects to ever exist in our fine world: kidnapping. And possessive relationships. Seriously, it's comedy. Once Edward learns that Bella's gonna visit Jacob while he's off hunting again, he makes sure his whole family holds her hostage in their house. It's the most hysterical thing ever! Intrigued? Then it's time for Mark to read Eclipse.

CHAPTER 6: SWITZERLAND

After leaving Jacob's house, Bella's rear view mirror is overwhelmed by headlights and she realizes Edward is following her.

• I considered pulling over. But I was too much of a coward to face him right away. I'd been counting on some prep time...and having Charlie nearby as a buffer. At least that would force him to keep his voice down.

Oh, the hilarity is just starting.

• "Enough!" I cut him off. "There's nothing to worry about. Jacob isn't dangerous."

  "Bella." He rolled his eyes. "You aren't exactly the best judge of what is or isn't dangerous."

Few things are more hilarious than Edward telling Bella that she has poor judgment.

• "You're kidnapping me, aren't you?"

  She laughed and nodded. "Till Saturday. Esme cleared it with Charlie; you're staying with me two nights, and I will drive you to and from school tomorrow."

Kidnapping is hilarious, guys.

• Alice hopped out gracefully and went to stroke her hand along the length of her bribe. "Pretty, isn't it?"

  "Pretty over-the-top," I grumbled, incredulous. "He gave you that just for two days of holding me hostage?"

  Alice made a face.

  A second later, comprehension came and I gasped in horror. "It's for every time he's gone, isn't it?"

  She nodded.

There are few things that bring joy to my life than when my friends take a permanent bribe of an expensive car in exchange for kidnapping me indefinitely.

• "Alice, don't you think this is just a little bit controlling? Just a tiny bit psychotic, maybe?"

  "Not really." She sniffed. "You don't seem to grasp how dangerous a young werewolf can be. Especially when I can't see them. Edward has no way to know if you're safe. You shouldn't be so reckless."

  My voice turned acidic. "Yes, because a vampire slumber party is the pinnacle of safety conscious behavior."

  Alice laughed. "I'll give you a pedicure and everything," she promised.

Because, seriously, there are few things in life that bring a smile to my face than having a boyfriend who doesn't trust me at all when I'm not around him. Also, pedicures during a kidnapping are luxurious. I really want one.

Jesus is really stoked, guys. I'm sure he's a fan of women living under the eye and command of their male counterparts.

Chapter 6 ends with Rosalie coming into Edward's room, where Bella has been relegated to sleep. (Also, another creep point: Edward buys a gaudy bed just for Bella to sleep in.) So chapter 7 is going to be AWESOME.

Also, just to make the point: This is the first time that I feel like Bella stands up for herself. Not at all the way, but she actually calls out the Cullens for being creepy. I can't imagine how Meyer is going to criticize Bella's feelings or create a scenario that validates what the Cullens did, but let's enjoy a brief moment of rebellion on behalf of Bella.