Mark Reads Twilight (So You Don't Have To)

In the eighth chapter of Eclipse, we find out that Jacob's friend Quil imprints on a two-year old. Two. TWO. We're still not told what imprinting actually is, but it's still reminiscent of rape. And there's an incestual subtext to it all. No lying. Then Bella goes home to Alice and Edward and the "SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE IS REALLY BAD" theme rears its ugly head again. AGAIN. Sigh. Intrigued? Then it's time for Mark to read Eclipse.

I am seriously just as tired as I imagine you all are of retreading the same topics and making the same rants. I am desperate for anything to change about this wretched series, yet I'm forced to repeat myself time and time again because this is all so maddening. Shall we?

CHAPTER 8: TEMPER

Oh god, this is going to be just WONDERFUL, isn't it? TEMPER. Just end my misery now.

Very quickly into chapter 8, we learn from Jacob that his buddy Quil, who only recently became a werewolf, has already imprinted on someone and it's controversial in the wolf camp. (A note before I continue: I know it's probably never crossed Meyer's head, but it bothers me that there isn't a single same sex relationship in this whole series. It's also not a possibility, according to imprinting myth, for a werewolf to imprint on a male. It can only happen with a female. There's a strong undertone to this that it's all about "biology" and "nature" and I'm willing to bet this doesn't stray far from what Meyer actually believes.)

So are we actually going to find out what imprinting is? Or why it's so controversial?

• "You'll never get it right. See, Quil hasn't been hanging out with us, you know, until just recently. So he hadn't been around Emily's place much."

Oh lord. So he imprinted on Emily? AWKWARD.

• "No! I told you not to guess!"

Shit. Sorry Jacob. What were you saying?

• "Emily had her two nieces down for a visit...and Quil met Claire."

Oh. Ok. Nieces? So...they're young? Emily doesn't want them in a relationship with a werewolf? That makes sense, I guess.

• "Would you please stop guessing? You're way off."

Jeez, dude. You won't give me the information upfront, so guessing is all I have. So what gives?

• "Emily doesn't mind that part, it's just, well, a little early."

Oh lord. Early? HOW EARLY?

• Jacob appraised me with narrowed eyes. "Try not to be judgmental, okay?"

Guarantee you that I'm now going to judge you, even if I wasn't going to, because that is a horrible thing to preface ANY statement with. "You promise not to be mad, right?" Not anymore, you asshole.

• "Claire is two," Jacob told me.

HOLY SHIT, WHAT? EXCUSE ME. WHAT?

Two years old????? He imprinted on a toddler?

Ok, breathe. Take a deep breath. Maybe you don't understand imprinting. Maybe it's not as bad as you think it is. Jacob, what is imprinting? You still haven't told us yet.

• "I've seen what it's like, through his eyes. There's nothing romantic about it at all, not for Quil, not now."

Oh, it's precisely WORSE than what I thought it was. So if it's not romantic, what is it? A biological reaction?

• "It's so hard to describe. It's not like love at first sight, really. It's more like...gravity moves. When you see her, suddenly it's not the earth holding you here anymore. She does. And nothing matters more than her. And you would do anything for her, be anything for her...You become whatever she needs you to be, whether that's a protector, or a lover, or a friend, or a brother."

I'm still confused as to what the actual process is and I have a feeling so does Meyer, but I've got a much clearer picture: it's like brain rape. 

No, seriously. It's a mental connection the male makes on a female without her consent. And that's the real key here: consent. At no point does the female ever really get a say on this. Once the male werewolf imprints, he's dedicated for life. (It's almost like a biological validation of stalking, isn't it? Oh, Meyer!)

What's that, Jacob? It's not like that?

• "Quil will be the best, kindest big brother any kid ever had. There isn't a toddler on the planet that will be more carefully looked after than that little girl will be. And then, when she's older and needs a friend, he'll be more understanding, trustworthy, and reliable than anyone else she knows. And then, when she's grown up, they'll be as happy as Emily and Sam."

If I understand this correctly, that means any person who imprints on a female toddler will, in one single lifetime, be their brother, their best friend, and their lover. All of them. Possibly even in the same moment.

And remember! She doesn't get a choice about any of this. Right? Does Claire get a choice, Jacob?

• "Of course. But why wouldn't she choose him, in the end? He'll be her perfect match. Like he was designed for her alone."

Ah, the wonderful world of determinism. It struck me as deliberately odd that Meyer would ever include something like this, considering that Mormons emphatically reject determinism. (Except casual determinism, but that's not represented here.) The problem, of course, is that this process, again, removes the female choice. Jacob SAYS there is a choice present, but then immediately berates anyone who might consider choosing a life outside of imprinting. 

No, let's elaborate on this just a little more, because it's deeply disturbing to me. Imagine meeting someone who, ostensibly, might be attractive, but is devoted to your every move and, ostensibly, probably follows you around. How would they explain this to you? What if they're attractive but you're not into them emotionally? Or wait...would you even be able to control that? Would your own emotions be controlled by another dude?

THIS IS SO BIZARRE AND WEIRD TO ME. WHAT THE FUCK, STEPHENIE MEYER. 

So then somehow the conversation moves to Bella being turned into a vampire and Jacob gets so mad he almost turns into a werewolf. He doesn't, though, and it's just another moment for Meyer to write about men displaying the masculinity. I don't even want to write about it anymore because it's so annoying, so we're moving on. 

It's mostly because there's another reoccurring theme to deal with: Bella forgetting to be mad at Edward because he's ~*so beautiful*~.

• And I didn't care that I was supposed to be angry with him. I didn't care that I was supposed to be angry with everyone. I reached out for him, found his hands in the darkness, and pulled myself closer to him. His arms encircled me, cradling me to his chest. My lips searched, hunting along his throat, to his chine, till I finally found his lips.

Let me interrupt this before it turns into porn. Edward just organized Bella to be, essentially, kidnapped and held against her will in the Cullen house while he wasn't in town. In order to hang out with her friend, she had to run away from school. What.

So they continue to roll around the bed, kissing each other and touching each other and...this sounds like foreplay, right? It basically is, so when Bella asks Edward if they can get "carried away," he refuses.

• He sighed again. "For the hundredth time, Bella--it's too dangerous."

Ah, that's right. You aren't married aren't a vampire and you're about to have sex. It's simply too dangerous. 

This is bollocks, guys. Just so you know: You can have sex before marriage and you will not die. Anyone who tells you that is a moron and is, simply, wrong. 

But I have to give credit where credit is due. It's only fair:

• "I go a little berserk when I try to leave you. I don't think I'll go so far again. It's not worth it."

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Really?

• "I'm sorry I had Alice hold you hostage, though. That was a bad idea."

Yes. Yes it was. Are you actually apologizing?

• "I won't do it again."

Well, shit. Bravo, Edward/Stephenie Meyer. This is incredibly mature and kind of an awesome thing to do. For once, you're not justifying this behavior at all. I'm impressed!

• "Okay," I said easily. He was already forgiven. "But slumber parties do have their advantages..." I curled myself closer to him, pressing my lips into the indentation over his collarbone. "You can hold me hostage any time you want."

OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE. GOD FUCKING DAMN IT.