Mark Reads 'Eclipse': Chapter 9

In the ninth chapter of Eclipse, Stephenie Meyer actually introduces a conflict before the 400 page mark. Seriously! And in a moment that surely deserves praise, Meyer ruins everything by creating a situation that makes no sense. Some mystery vampire takes a shirt of Bella's. That's it. Then Jacob and Edward talk on the phone and this is just so so so so so boring. Blah. Intrigued? You shouldn't be, but if you are, then it's time for Mark to read Eclipse.

Oh god, I have 400 pages left of this trite nonsense. Why.

CHAPTER 9: TARGET

So witty, guys. TARGET. Because Bella is now a TARGET. Of...well, that's the best part. We don't know. MYSTERY. DRAMA. SUSPENSE. THRILLING ACTS OF COMPLETE MEDIOCRITY. 

Alice drops Bella off at her house after their slumber party. Remember, though, that it really was just an exercise in willing kidnapping, of course, but that's so hilarious and funny, right? Charlie lets Bella know that Jacob called and he wants to apologize for the comment he made to Bella when he learned she was going to become a vampire pretty soon.

I actually glossed over it the first time I read it because I was so frustrated with toddler rape imprinting. So here it is, in all its glory:

• His words cracked like snaps of a whip. "Anything. Anything else. You'd be better off dead. I'd rather you were."

Harsh, Jacob. You'd rather Bella be dead than a vampire? Guess what? She'll be dead as a vampire, so you can have it both ways.

Still, that's pretty mean of Jacob. I get it, I suppose. He's losing the gal he loves (WHY DO YOU LIKE HER SHE IS A HORRIBLE PERSON) and he's losing her to his mortal enemies. Still...dude. Come on. Leave the psychotic ultimatums to Edward. 

Speaking of Edward. Bella goes upstairs and realizes a shirt of hers is missing. This is an EPIC MYSTERY on her part and then Edward confirms it as such: a vampire has been in her house. And it wasn't a Cullen and it wasn't Victoria. 

DUN. DUN. DUN.

The real point I'm trying to make: WHO CARES

It doesn't matter at all. We all know that Bella is going to be with Edward forever as a vampire. Jacob is a werewolf who might get into a fight with Jacob. Bella will always spar with her father. BLAH BLAH BLAH what does this matter? Who cares if there is a vampire after Bella? 

The problem here is that there is no real concern for me or anyone else to feel for this plot twist. It seems that Meyer realized she just wrote two "novels" that dragged on for hundreds of pages without introducing a major plot conflict, so she decides to introduce such a thing much earlier. And it feels disingenuous and forced. I don't care that Bella's life will be threatened. It is at all times, remember?

But actually, I may take that point back, because the introduction of this weird plot point does create an instance at which I can laugh at Meyer's inability to write:

• "What happened?" Edward demanded as soon as we were through the door. I was shocked to see that he was glowering at Alice, his hands fisted in anger.

  Alice stood with her arms folded tight across her chest. Only her lips moved. "I have no idea. I didn't see anything."

  "How is that possible?" he hissed.

  "Edward," I said, a quiet reproof. I didn't like him talking to Alice this way.

  Carlisle interrupted in a calming voice. "It's not an exact science, Edward."

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MAY I REMIND YOU ALL: Stephenie Meyer is literally making up this future-telling power as she goes. Look at the bolded part. She starts off with Alice's power being definite, then ruining everything at the end of New Moon, then being "trustworthy," and now it's "not an exact science."

Stephenie Meyer, please make up your mind. Now. Jesus.

So, one last thing: Bella calls Jacob, Jacob apologizes for saying he wished Bella was dead, and Bella accepts his apology. Then she makes him talk to Edward.

Ok, seriously. And it's hysterical. Imagine making your current boyfriend have a phone conversation with the dude who is crushing on you. Oh god, it is so painfully awkward. But it does give us the revelation that Jacob bartered with Edward so that Bella can start hanging out with him. Which, on the one hand, is kind of endearing and BAWWWWWW, but mostly makes me RAGE INSIDE because...dude, seriously, she shouldn't need her friend to act as a diplomat in this process. She is her own person and she should be able to hang out with anyone she wants to.

Bah. I'm done for today.