Mark Reads Twilight (So You Don't Have To)

In the fifteenth chapter of Eclipse, we learn that Stephenie Meyer isn't satisfied with lecturing us about marriage, controlling relationships, abuse, and race issues. Instead, we get to learn what's it's like to be inside her brain and think about rape. Because in chapter 15 of Eclipse, Jacob forces Bella to kiss him against her will, thereby birthing a new term to add to our greater lexicon: the "rape kiss." Intrigued? Then it's time for Mark to read Eclipse.

I spent nearly 30 minutes staring at my monitor, mostly in shock. And this is what you get.

CHAPTER 15: WAGER

• "You love me, too," he reminded me. He held up his hand when I started to protest. "Not the same way, I know. But he's not your whole life, either. Not anymore. Maybe he was once, but he left. And now he's just going to have to deal with the consequence of that choice--me."

OH HOLY SHIT. Can you feel the burn? Can you? This is precisely why Jacob rules so much. SPEAK THE TRUTH, BROTHER.

• "Until your heart stops beating, Bella," he said. "I'll be here--fighting. Don't forget that you have options."

FUCK YEAH LOOK AT THAT SUAVE MOTHERFUCKER STRESSING PERSONAL INDEPENDENCE AND FREE WILL FUCK YEAH

• "I don't want options," I disagreed, trying to yank my chin free unsuccessfully. "And my heartbeats are numbered, Jacob. The time is almost gone."

But...but....but it's Jacob! WHYYYYYYYYY?

• His lips crushed mine, stopping my protest. He kissed me angrily, roughly, his other hand gripping tight around the back of my neck, making escape impossible. I shoved against his chest with all my strength, but he didn't even seem to notice. His mouth was soft, despite the anger, his lips holding mine in a warm, unfamiliar way.

Emphasis is mine. Short of actually shoving his penis into her vagina, that's about as close to rape as I could imagine. Jacob is rape kissing Bella.

Yes, I'm just as surprised. And it's only going to get worse:

• I grabbed at his face, trying to push it away, failing again. He seemed to notice this time, though, and it aggravated him. His lips forced mine open, and I could feel his hot breath in my mouth.

Yeah, that sounds a lot like rape.

• Acting on instinct, I let my hands drop to my side, and shut down. I opened my eyes and didn't fight, didn't feel...just waited for him to stop.

That is possibly the most depressing couple of sentences in the entire book. Bella can't fight his brute strength, so she simply gives up. 

I don't have a gif reaction for that. Just...fucking hell. 

• It worked. The anger seemed to evaporate, and he pulled back to look at me. He pressed his lips softly to mine again, once, twice...a third time. I pretended I was a statue and waited.

Once Bella stopped resisting, Jacob realizes he isn't controlling Bella anymore. And he stops. And I want to ball up in bed and never come out from under the blankets ever again.

• "Are you done now?" I asked in an expressionless voice.

  "Yes," he sighed. He started to smile, closing his eyes.

  I pulled my arm back then let it snap forward, punching him in the mouth with as much power as I could force out of my body.

  There was a crunching sound.

  "Ow! OW!" I screamed, frantically hopping up and down in agony while I clutched my hand to my chest. It was broken, I could feel it. 

  Jacob stared at me in shock. "Are you all right?"

  "No, dammit! You broke my hand!"

  "Bella, you broke your hand. Now stop dancing around and let me look at it."

Just so you know, if you defend yourself against unwanted advances and hurt yourself, it's your fault, ladies. I mean, why are you hitting him? He's so hot! You should appreciate that he's even LOOKING at you.

I'm seriously ready to give up on this series. 

• "Fine!" I growled. "Do! I can't wait to see what Edward does to you! I hope he snaps your neck, you pushy, obnoxious, moronic DOG!"

Does that count as an anti-werewolf slur? I think it does.

Before I continue, as absurd as Bella sounds yelling at Jacob, I do appreciate that, at the very least, she does stand up for herself and insist that what Jacob did was unwelcome and wrong. Unfortunately, Meyer insists on making all the awesome people in this chapter total morons by the end for supporting a rape kiss. 

No, seriously. Get a load of this.

• "Just think about how it could be, Bella," he urged in a soft, eager voice. You wouldn't have to change anything for me. You know Charlie would be happy if you picked me. I could protect you just as well as your vampire can--maybe better. And I would make you happy, Bella. There's so much I could give you that he can't. I'll bet he couldn't even kiss you like that--because he would hurt you. I would never, ever hurt you, Bella.

EXCEPT THAT YOU JUST DID. Also, it was at this point that I just felt lost. This is so incredibly out of character for Jacob, especially if you think about what he's saying to her. He's telling her that he believes it's important for her to keep options, to exercise free will. Yet he forces her to kiss him, removing any option otherwise.

What? Just...why? It doesn't make sense.

Ain't done with this fuckery, folks. Jacob agrees to take Bella home after insisting that she's going to dream pleasant thoughts about him that night. WHAT. Charlie's home and we get this:

• "Why did she hit you?"

  "Because I kissed her," Jacob said, unashamed.

  "Good for you, kid," Charlie congratulated him.

I....I just don't know any more. When a father is congratulating some other dude for making out with his daughter against her will, I just don't know what to say to that. 

Except WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? Also, when did Charlie become a douchebag? You can't even keep your own creations in character, Meyer. Stop writing.

But this all leads to pure and utter nonsense that gave me the headache I currently have left. Because Bella calls Edward to have him pick her up and Jacob decides this is the best time to COME INTO THE HOUSE AND CONFRONT JACOB. And Charlie finds this amusing. 

First of all, it literally takes Edward about 10 seconds to arrive at Bella's house. HOW. Where was he? Meyer writes that Bella can hear a car's engine rev up and then, seconds later, Edward is in the house. WHAT.

And then...well. Just enjoy.

• "But if you ever bring her back damaged again--and I don't care whose fault it is; I don't care if she merely trips, or if a meteor falls out of the sky and hits her in the head--if you return her to me in less than perfect condition that I left her in, you will be running with three legs. Do you understand that, mongrel?"

Is this Best Buy? Does he need his receipt too? SHE'S NOT PROPERTY.

• "She is mine." Edward's low voice was suddenly dark, not as composed as before. "I didn't say I would fight fair."

  "Neither did I."

  "Best of luck."

  Jacob nodded. "Yes, may the best man win."

  "That sounds about right...pup."

If you're not aware, Bella is actually RIGHT NEXT TO THEM. THE ENTIRE TIME THEY ARE WAGERING HER LIKE A RACE HORSE. WHAT THE FLYING FUCK.

I don't know how much more of this I can take.