Mark Reads 'Eclipse': Chapter 18

In the eighteenth chapter of Eclipse, the vampires and the werewolves hold their middle-of-the-night strategy meeting. They dance around a field, the wolves are as big as horses, and the vampires let themselves be smelled. Bella doesn't do anything or Meyer doesn't give us a single reason to care about anything at all. Intrigued? Then it's time for Mark to read Eclipse.

CHAPTER 18: INSTRUCTION

I seriously cannot get over how absolutely boring this all is. We are at page 409 by the end of chapter 18 and NOTHING IS HAPPENING. There's a whole lot of talking and macho posturing, but nothing is happening. The plot is not advancing. How does an author do this for THREE FUCKING BOOKS? It's like Meyer's style is to bore us all until page 500, and then attempt to regain our attention with a last-minute plot. NOT BUYING IT.

This chapter is nearly 30 pages long and I only found three things of any interest to even make fun of. That's how boring it is. I can't even laugh at it.

• "When will our guests arrive?" Carlisle asked Edward.

  Edward concentrated for a moment, then sighed. "A minute and a half. But I'm going to have to translate. They don't trust us enough to use their human forms."

So Sam, Jacob, and their wolf counterparts show up to their educational meeting as werewolves. Oh, and just to provide a visual:

• Finally, something glittered in the blackness--their eyes, higher up than they should be. I'd forgotten how very tall the wolves were. Like horses, only thick with muscle and fur--and teeth like knives, impossible to overlook.

Guys, the werewolves are as tall as horses. JESUS WHAT. WHY. STOP.

Only one last thing. The purpose of the meeting was to show the wolves how to defeat a vampire. Most of this involved a lot of really fast running by the vampires that's really boring and so poorly described that I couldn't visualize it in my head. But then Sam thinks something and Edward answers with this:

• "The pack thinks it would be helpful to be familiar with each of our scents--so they don't make mistakes later. If we could hold very still, it will make it easier for them."

Literally, the Cullens stand still while each werewolf smells them. So weird and creepy.

THAT'S ALL THAT HAPPENS. FOR 27 PAGES. Ugh. I don't know what else to say. So here's this:

Monorail Cat hates Twilight, too.