Mark Reads 'Eclipse': Chapter 19

In the nineteenth chapter of Eclipse....it's really hard to describe. After chapters of non-action and boredom, Meyer smacks us over the head with absurdity, control issues, and final, hard proof that Bella and Edward have the most dysfunctional relationship imaginable. Oh, and Bella sleeps on a wolf or something. Oh, and wolves can LAUGH. It's an educational thing, guys. Intrigued? Then it's time for Mark to read Eclipse.

I take it back. I'd rather this be boring than filled with wankery. OH GOD WHY

CHAPTER 19: SELFISH

Just...jesus. When Meyer goes crazy, she really loses it. 

First of all, chapter 19 opens with Bella waking up in her bed after Edward takes her home from the werewolf meeting. She wakes up to Edward. Now, maybe I just haven't been paying attention this whole time, but has Bella just accepted and welcomed Edward to watch her while she sleeps? All the time? JESUS WHY. WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE. 

But whatever. That's just par for the course in this fucked up world that Stephenie Meyer has crafted. It also means that she'll tell us that Edward and Bella are "destined" to be together and that their relationship is utterly perfect. Except....um....

• "Jacob Black can give you presents."

  It wasn't a question or an accusation. Just a statement of facts. But I knew he was referring to my last birthday and the fit I'd thrown over gifts; I hadn't wanted any. Especially not from Edward. It wasn't entirely logical, and, of course, everyone had ignored me anyway...

  "You've given me presents," I reminded him. "You know I like this homemade kind." [Author's note: DOES HE? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

  He pursed his lips for a second. "How about hand-me-downs? Are those acceptable?"

  "What do you mean?"

  "This bracelet." His finger traced a circle around my wrist. "You'll be wearing this a lot?"

  I shrugged.

  "Because you wouldn't want to hurt his feelings," he suggested shrewdly.

  "Sure, I guess so." 

  "Don't you think it's fair, then," he asked, looking down at my hand as he spoke. He turned it palm up, and ran his finger along the veins in my wrist, "If I have a little representation?"

  "Representation?"

  "A charm--something to keep me on your mind."

So Jacob gives Bella a present. Edward is so petty and jealous that he insists on having this awkward conversation. Look, the girl is ready to give up her humanity to be with you for all time. I don't think a "charm" is going to be that big of a deal when you suck the life out of her.

These are horrible people. You should not treat them as role models.

But wait! Here's why it's ok for Jacob to give her gifts, but not anyone else.

• "You're more important than everyone else. And you've given me you. That's already more than I deserve, and anything else you give me just throws us more out of balance."

Just so you guys know, your relationship with whomever you decide to be with should not be based on self-deprecation. THESE PEOPLE ARE NOT EQUALS AND DO NOT HAVE A RELATIONSHIP THAT EVEN REMOTELY APPROACHES ANYTHING HEALTHY. Fuck.

And then Bella goes ahead and validates this entire theory of mine by outright demanding that when the Seattle vampires show up, she use herself as HUMAN BAIT. Her ultimatum? If Edward doesn't let her be there during the fight, then he can't fight. 

So, in short, Bella is willing to risk absolutely everything because she has to have Edward in her line of sight at all times. This is fucked up. Completely. If she's there, she could cause chaos. If Edward's not there, it'll be chaos. So Bella is so dumb and selfish, she creates this false dichotomy anyway. She could just go off with Jacob and Seth like she was supposed to, but no. Meyer has to create drama.

Shoot me.

Then there's the Leah Clearwater business. If you remember, when Billy told the story of the Quileute tribe, women were mysteriously left out of the picture, except via suicide. Well, Edward casually reveals to Bella that Sam's ex, Leah Clearwater, is actually a werewolf. So, at first, I got kind of excited and was honestly ready to say, "HEY, I WAS WRONG. I AM A DOLT." But yeah. Yeah. YEAH.

• Edward snorted. "She's making life exceedingly unpleasant for the rest of them. I'm not sure she deserves your sympathy."

  "What do you mean?"

  "It's hard enough for them, having to share all their thoughts. Most of them try to cooperate, make it easier. When even one member is deliberately malicious, it's painful for everyone."

The only female werewolf doesn't help the pack. She harms them because she's too emotional over losing the love of her life, Sam, to her cousin, Emily.

This is the worst book of all time. 

• Jacob laughed his coughing bark.

WEREWOLVES CAN FUCKING LAUGH. JESUS FUASDLJKFASD;LKASDF;L CHRIST.

Hate. Hate this all.