Mark Reads 'Eclipse': Chapter 22

In the twenty-second chapter of Eclipse, Edward and Bella prepare for a frozen night in a tent somewhere in the forest. And then it gets cold. And Edward asks Jacob into the tent. And then Jacob climbs into Bella's sleeping bag half naked. And then Edward and Jacob have a long conversation about Bella as if she is not there. Absolutely all of this is true. You are not prepared. Intrigued? Then it's time for Mark to read Eclipse.

How many times have I said this? You are not fucking prepared for this.

CHAPTER 22: FIRE AND ICE

I can't fathom what possessed Meyer to write this chapter. I don't know why she can't have her characters just speak to each other like normal people. I don't know why the whole thing happens without Bella's consent, as if she doesn't matter. 

In short, I am completely flabbergasted by what I just read. 

We're going to take a journey, folks. It's a fantastical, magical journey, marked by dangerous paths, treacherous missions, and a whole lot of implied (and outright) sexual wankery. Gather round, my friends, for this is the tale of:

WHEN STEPHENIE MEYER THOUGHT IT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA TO BASICALLY CREATE A THREESOME WITHOUT THE CONSENT OF THE FEMALE. AND I THINK IT MIGHT BE GAY, IN THE LITERAL SENSE, BECAUSE IT'S DEEPLY HOMOEROTIC.

Long ago, there was Fanfiction. It has not been proven yet, but myth holds it that a young woman by the name of Stephenie Meyer worshipped Fanfiction. Now, Fanfiction was a magical place where one could take reality to bend it to your desires, both sexual and emotional. Fanfiction was a land where it was acceptable to create relationships between people you knew in person or never had or never would have the chance to meet, to pair them in ways that didn't follow logic or reason. Because love reigns supreme, and love rules all. Also, lots of sex without lubrication. Lots of it

Now, as the myth goes, Meyer was a wonderful fan of the land of Fanfiction, but decided that she wanted to break all of the rules of the land: she wanted to use fictional characters instead of real ones in order to create her relationships. And she did.

Lo and behold, Meyer then created her own myths to follow the land of Fanfiction. These stories, known collectively as the Twilight saga, borrow much from the land of Fanfiction. Most importantly, however, they largely borrow themes of awkward and unrealistic sexual interactions between characters solely for the benefit of their creator.

What's that, you say? A demigod who creates beings only so she can gain personal satisfaction from the absurd situations she puts them in? Surely this is a jest! An omnipotent being can't possibly be that sinister, can it?

It can, my friends. It can. And through the first two parts of the myth, our dejected deity created a world full of sexual dysfunction for her characters: Bella, the lovesick lamb who is devoted to her abusive, stone cold vampire lover Edward (who doesn't actually ever exhibit signs of loving Bella, physically or emotionally), is the primary character in which Meyer inserts herself in to her new myth in order to experience someone else's life.

But it is here, within the third part of the myth, that we find what local lore refers to as, "The Tent Scene." 

You are in for a treat, my friends. Bella camps out in the Washington State forests with her love, Edward, while her misguided and slowly-becoming-abusive-too werewolf friend, Jacob, keeps watch outside. Legend has it that things got a little too cold for dear Bella, so Edward makes a joke about Jacob going to fetch a space heater.

It is at this point that history is made: Jacob transforms himself from a werewolf back into his human form and steps into the tent, wearing only pants, announcing that he's brought Bella her space heater:

Himself.

It's just getting good, my fellow peers. Because then Jacob unzips Bella's sleeping bag and, half-clothed, spoons with Bella to keep her warm. And Edward allows it. 

The tale twists and turns, my readers, and as Bella attempts to warm up, Edward and Jacob begin to have a conversation about Bella. While she is still awake. In fact, the actual myth states:

• I was too far gone to ask them to stop talking about me like I wasn't there. The conversation had taken on a dream-like quality to me, and I wasn't sure I was really awake.

And yet, Jacob and Edward press on. Among the things that they discuss include:

• Jacob's apparently dirty thoughts about Bella while spooning with her.
• How jealous Edward is of Jacob and Bella's friendship.
• Edward spying on Jacob's thoughts to determine how Bella feels about him.
• Whether or not Edward would want to read Bella's thoughts.
• Why Edward left Bella.
• Why Edward is the good guy
• If Edward would give up Bella if she chose Jacob (Yes.)
• How Edward has decided to give Bella "options" about her life and then control her into picking the one he likes most.
• wat

It's a twisted tale, my friends. The entire time that these men have a conversation about Bella, she's awake next to them. In fact, they don't even wait a couple of minutes just to hope she's asleep, jumping almost immediately into this type of conversation. 

The first time the tale was relegated to me, I was just as shocked. "But this sounds just like a myth of the land of Fanfiction!" I countered. "There is simply no way that a creator would force her characters into such an awkward situation! Surely, surely, you are merely pulling my leg!"

This was not true. Much like the myths of Fanfiction that we've come to love and cherish, Meyer stole everything that we hold dear: forced character relations and interactions in order to make a point, unbelievable sexual moments, and a heavy dose of personal fantasy as fiction.

It was this, my friend, that made "The Tent Scene" become a tale of lore. Shortly after this, the land of Fanfiction banned Meyer from ever setting foot in their world again. In protest, Meyer completed her "saga" with the fourth part of her own legend, known as "Breaking Dawn."

But that is a story for another day, folks. I shall tell that story when the time arrives.