Mark Reads 'Eclipse': Chapter 24

In the twenty fourth chapter of Eclipse, Bella actually begs Edward to abuse her because of her epiphany regarding her love for Jacob. Really. Then the newborn vampires show up and begin fighting the werewolves and Cullens miles away and we're forced to have Edward narrate the action to Bella because no one is actually there. But then Victoria shows up and everything becomes horrible, terrible, intolerable, and incredibly irritating. Intrigued? Then it's time for Mark to read Eclipse.

If you weren't aware, I have been on the East coast since December 13, hence why there's been a long, long gap in Eclipse reviews. Instead of staring at the eye-burning pages of these wretched books, I was gaping at this instead:

YEAH. TAKE THAT, STEPHENIE MEYER.

So this is the very first note I took once I began the chapter:

Yeah. Yeah. Shall we?

CHAPTER 24: SNAP DECISION

• "Shh," he hushed me, his fingers soothing against my cheek. "That's not what I meant. It just that he would have kissed you anyway--even if you hadn't fallen for it--and now I don't have an excuse to break his face. I would have really enjoyed that, too."

Literally, how do any of you even exist? How do any of you exist on the same fucking page? Who says they're going to "break [someone's] face"?

A psychopath, that's who.

• "Why aren't you angry with me?" I whispered. "Why don't you hate me?"

Edward is actually being reasonable and nice and understanding and YOU WANT HIM TO BE MAD AT YOU. SHUT UP.

• "I want you to call me every bad name you can think of, in every language you know. I want you to tell me that you're disgusted with me and that you're going to so that I can beg and grovel on my knees for you to stay."

Actual quote. There's a lot I could say about this. Is this porn? I mean, seriously, is this the start of an S&M scene in Eclipse? Aside from the sexual overtones, this passage speaks volumes about Meyer's (once again!) glorification of abuse. The character we're support to insert ourselves into is literally begging to be abused. 

• "At least stop trying to make me feel better. Let me suffer. I deserve it."

Stop this. You are making me suffer.

After Bella then tries to beg for sex so that Edward can hurt her (no, really), we're subjected to the laziest scene of the entire Twilight series: Since Edward and Bella are hiding in a tent so that Edward won't get hurt, we can't see what's happening as Victoria and her legion of newborns attack the Cullens and the werewolves. So, Meyer comes up with the ingenious idea to have Edward read the minds of the other vampires/werewolves and then relate the action to Bella.

Meyer has a pattern that's emerged in the three novels in this "saga" thusfar: terrible introduction that's heavy on foreshadowing, 8,000 pages of inaction punctuated by a lot of whining, brooding, and talking, and then three chapters of her slamming some sort of plot into the finale. She does this, again, in Eclipse, but until the last half of the action, we have to read someone talk about it.

For fuck's sake. How. How did anyone read this and approve it. Those aren't questions. They are statements. The fuck. 

• The sun shattered off Edward's skin and sent sparkles dancing across Seth's fur.

Edward is a disco ball. Shoot me in the face.

Then we're supposed to be surprised that Victoria shows up, smells Edward, and locates Bella. Somehow, despite being told the entire book and half before this that Victoria is coming for Bella, Meyer thinks it's a plot twist to have Victoria arrive for Bella. And then her failure as a writing comes full circle when, faced with having to actually describe violence, instead of depending on her characters to narrate for her, we must read the most boring action scene of all time. 

First of all, Edward tries to talk his way out of this conflict by attempting to convince Victoria's newborn vampire lover, Riley, that Victoria is just using him. Guarantee you that unless you're Daniel Day-Lewis, you cannot do this. You are not compelling enough. Ever. 

So then it's Edward versus Victoria and Riley, while Bella stands around all useless. Oh and Seth shows up. And then everything gets really, really confusing, because Edward and Victoria dance-fight? No, that's how Meyer describes it:

• Edward shifted, too, as they closed on each other, and it was lion versus lioness. The dance increased in tempo. It was like Alice and Jasper in the meadow, a blurred spiraling of movement, only this dance was not as perfectly choreographed. 

SO BORING. SO SO SO SO SO SO SO BORING.

Then there's this:

• Seth struck, crunching off a small piece of the vampire.

Are vampires Kit Kat bars? I'm so confused.

And then, fulfilling her desire to harm herself in order to do "good," Bella decides to copy the old Quileute myth about how a woman can save everyone else by cutting herself. So she slices her arm open to distract Victoria and Edward. And you know, it might have been an awesome self-sacrifice if it wasn't steeped in all the abusive subtexts. Bella isn't cutting herself to save other people; she's doing it out of guilt and shame to punish herself. And, of course, she saves the day. 

Riley gets his arms ripped off, one by Edward and the other by Seth. (Remember, this is all written by an author who refuses to see R-rated movies because they're too gross.) Then Edward uses one of Riley's hands to act as a "missile" (Meyer's word) to take down Victoria. And Edward then bites her head off. Yeah.

One last bit that had me raging:

• Seth launched himself forward with the force of a wrecking ball. The thrust carried both Seth and Riley into the trees, where the metallic screeching was matched by Riley's screams. Screams that abruptly cut off, while the sounds of rock being ripped to shreds continued. 

Stephenie Meyer: Something being ripped to shreds implies that it is made of a substance that can be ripped. You can't "rip" rock. You are literally the worst writer on the planet and someone should ban you from ever being able to use words again.

Oh, and just so you know, there are still two chapters and an epilogue left. Why.