Mark Reads 'Eclipse': Archive and Chapter Notes
Despite an overwhelming amount of advice that suggested otherwise, I finished reading Eclipse. And despite believing that there was no way that it was possible for the book to be worse than New Moon, it was. Infinitely worse. So let's relive our favorite (is that the right word?) moments of the book while sharing in some of the insight behind each chapter review. Intrigued? Then it's time for Mark to reminisce about Eclipse.
JESUS WHY AM I STILL DOING THIS.
ABSOLUTELY FUCKING ALL OF IT. Also, this is real!
If you're wondering why I hated all of Eclipse, let me provide you with this handy guide to all 28 reviews that encompass the book.
If you need some background:
Twilightt Chapter Archive
New Moon Chapter Archive
ECLIPSE
Preface/Chapter 1: In which Mark calls bullshit on nearly everything that happens in the opening chapter of Eclipse.
p1 SUBTERFUGE. fucking STOP IT
p1 let me guess. it's edward. and he is fighting other vampires or werewolves. sigh. stop spoiling your own book.
p2 ARE YOU SERIOUS. IT'S WEREWOLVES. SHOOT ME.
p3 no. no way. no way. no way.
p4 YOUR HANDWRITING IS NOT ROUGH
p5 literally, this is actually all your fault
p5 oh right. men can't cook.
p6 you have been HORRIBLE to your dad. stop it.
p7 hahaha WHAT THE SHIT, YOU SELFISH BRAT
p8 oh you're so kind.
p10 oh god AWKWARD
p10 WHAT. NO. NO SHE IS THE EPITOME OF WHINY
P11 YOU ARE SERIOUSLY DELUSIONAL
p12 ilu charlie don't ever change
p13 because i am a HORRIBLE PERSON
p14 jesus SHUT UP BELLA
p14 thanks, you sexist piece of shit.
p16 no, you're kidding. what what what
p17 oh my lord
p17 liquid gold...really?
p18 your dad is behind you. this is awkward
p18 SHUT UP YOUR DAD DESERVES EVERYTHING
p21 this is seriously incredibly stupid
p23 oh right YOU ARE GOING TO BE A VAMPIRE
p24 reasonable? YOU ARE ASKING TO BE A VAMPIRE
p25 there isn't a paper in the world that has type like that.
p27 wait, i thought polar bears were in the south? WHAT DO I KNOW
p28 i'm sorry SHE CAN HANG OUT WITH WHOMEVER SHE PLEASES, YOU SOD
p28 WHAT. THE. FUCK. WHAT. THE FUCK.
p29 what the fuck seriously this is the worst
p32 NO EDWARD IS PSYCHOTIC. THAT IS THE PROBLEM
P33 YOU SON OF A BITCH
p35 SHUT UP YOU ARE NOT A PRISONER
p38 oh my god oh my god WHY STOP IT
p40 wait EDWARD WAS THERE THE WHOLE TIME. WHAT THE FUCK
p41 JESUS WHY. STOP IT.
p43 PLEASE JUST TALK NORMALLY SERIOUSLY WHAT THE FUCK
p43 kissing. stop. stop it.
p45 wow you are an asshole
p47 JUST SO YOU KNOW YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE
p48 by the way DO WHATEVER YOU WANT FUCK PARENTS
p49 oh god WHY DO YOU GUYS HATE EACH OTHER SO MUCH. STOP IT.
p51 what you are allowed because YOU ARE YOUR OWN PERSON
p53 this is literally the worst book of all time. YOU ARE A VAMPIRE WHAT ARE YOU DOING
p55 SHUT UP BELLA WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU
p56 oh my god you controlling SOD. where is my trout to SLAP YOU WITH
p59 sex talk oh my god kill me now
p60 YES YOU ARE INDEED A BAD PERSON
p61 THERE IS A HUGE PROBLEM
p62 WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK
p63 oh my fucking god oh my fucking god this is not fucking real
p66 that's because your boyfriend IS A CREEP
p68 YEAH HER BOYFRIEND IS AN ASSHOLE. DUH
p69 BY THE WAY, YOU ARE A DUMB WOMAN AND I'M GOING TO MANIPULATE THAT TO MAKE YOU FEEL DUMBER
p72 AGAIN NO ONE CAN JUST TALK
p75 what the fuck are you doing JUST CALL HIM STOP THIS YOU IDIOTS
p75 WELL OF COURSE IT DEPENDS. SHUT UP YOU IDIOT
p77 i'm sorry but this is all too MANLY FOR ME
p79 this is literally some of the dumbest nonsense of all time
p80 I MEAN REALLY IS THIS A BIG SURPRISE TO YOU. WHAT THE FUCK
p81 WHAT THE FUCK YOU HURT HER ALL THE TIME YOU FUCKWAD
p83 JACOB ILU YOU ARE MY HERO
p83 wow what is WRONG with you
p86 NO. NO. NO. OH MY GOD NO STOP IT STOP IT YOU ARE THE WORST AUTHOR OF ALL TIME
p87 literally the worst thing of all time
p88 WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING
p89 please end me now
p93 you are dumb.
p94 SHUT UP ABOUT MARRIAGE
p95 VOMIT
p95 ONE CHEERIO AT A TIME
NO WAY
p96 you are quite literally insane
p98 WHAT IS HAPPENING IN THIS BOOK
p100 GOOD JOB. HANG OUT WITH JACOB MORE. KTHX.
p102 THERE WAS EVERYTHING TO FORGIVE YOU IDIOT
P104 THIS IS SO FUCKING STUPID
p106 just runaway with jacob forever
p109 SAM IS A GENIUS, THAT'S WHY
p109 is it a lecture if it's ONE SENTENCE LONG
p111 shut up you self righteous twit
p113 this is all your fault PLEASE DIE
p115 you mean he hates it when you ARE AN INDIVIDUAL
P115 WHAT IS GROWN UP ABOUT EDWARD NOTHING SHUT UP
p119 SERIOUSLY, SHUT UP
p119 literally YOU COULD NOT BE ANY MORE OF AN ASSHOLE.
p123 I'M SORRY WHAT IS THE NONSENSE. WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS.
p124 please kill me and with my body, bury every copy of this bullshit.
p125 RIGHT BECAUSE THIS IS WHAT GIRLS DO. oh god why
p129 BELLA SWAN, PLEASE DIAF.
Chapter 6: In which Mark finds a way to "laugh" at all the truly wonderful things in this book.
p132 HAHA WHAT. WHAT. WHAT. what a creep.
p135 what is happening
p136 hahah BOOYAH
p138 BAAWWW you are an asshole
p140 of course he is a creep
p141 you are a horrible boyfriend
p143 is this the first time Bella is actually awesome?
p145 wow you are horrible, horrible people
p147 this is psychotic
p149 sigh
p153 oh great. oh great.
p153 you absolutely have to be fucking kidding
p154 go kill yourself in a graveyard, goth
p154 OH POOR PEOPLE
p155 please get hit by a car.
p157 this is all an example of how MARRIAGE IS A TERRIBLE INSTITUTION THAT NEEDS TO BE ABOLISHED
p158 Is meyer foreshadowing someone foreshadowing a story she's telling? holy shit STOP IT
p159 this. this isn't happening
p160 WHAT THE FUCK. WHAT THE FUCK.
p162 this is horrible this is so horrible
p163 WHAT IS HAPPENING WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK
p164 oh THAT'S NOT AWKWARD
p166 this is the worst written chapter ever published
p167 THIS IS OUT OF THIS WORLD. WHO WRITES THIS
p167 oh here is a tiny smidgeon of logic NOW BACK TO BATSHITTERY
p168 FUCK YOU ROSALIE FUCK YOU
p170 oh lord you are a terrible person.
p173 unfair? i hate you. please end your life.
p173 oh gross. it's like a wet dream
p175 WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT IS THIS BULLSHIT. WHAT THE FUCK. WHAT THE FUCK
p176 that's because IT IS REALLY CREEPY
p176 no this is frightening
p176 that is even worse. FATHER TO BROTHER TO LOVER. WHAT THE FUCK
p176 OH RIGHT THAT MAKES IT TOTALLY FINE
p177 oh lord stop this
p180 you are terrible
p181 this is all so STUPID
p183 this is the worst thing of all time
p185 please kill me
p187 what STOP IT EW GROSS
p188 SEX IS SO DANGEROUS. GOD.
p189 fucking SHOOT ME NOW
p190 what
Chapter 9: In which nothing really happens at all....oh except for Bella being traded like cargo. There's that.
p197 please stop this FAKE WRITING FONT thing. It's ridiculous
p197 WHAT WHAT WHAT
p198 what is happening
p200 are you actually introducing a conflict before page 400???
p201 yawn.
p202 i am so confused as to how any of this makes sense
p205 dumb dumb dumb
p206 you literally make no sense
p207 SERIOUSLY SHUT UP
p211 what just happened
Chapter 10: In which Mark basically ignores the whole chapter in order to destroy "7 Lessons Guys Learn From Edward Cullen."
p214 YES, THIS IS INCREDIBLY STUPID
p215 oh. right. no shirt. right.
p216 I'M SORRY. WHERE DO YOU CARRY THEM? IN YOUR FUR? WHAT?
p216 what. how. what. what
p218 what is this? vampire wikipedia lesson? WHAT?
p219 WHAT THE SHITTING FUCK
p221. oh. right.
p221 wait doesn't bleach make people dizzy
P224 THIS IS SO BORING
p225 what is with this anti-college nonsense?
p226 l;kasdkl;jsadfjkl;afsdjkl;fdsaklj;adfsjkl;afsd
p227 duh?
p229 STILL BORING
p230 OH GREAT HOW CONVENIENT
p230 PLEASE SHOOT ME
p230 what did he actually what
p231 what is happening
p233 oh god KILL ME
p234 what
p236 i'm sorry. a motorcycle in the trunk???
p239 you're werewolves. the best you can eat is HOT DOGS
p241 SEE LOOK AT THAT.
p241 wow you're a dick
p242 no really, you're a dick
p242 this is genuinely creepy
p243 oh, great. awesome. justifying stalking
p250 is this actually good?
p251 I still don't like the sexism here. Why can't women transform?
p254 hahahdfskhjladsjkhlafsdh holy god are you serious
p255 seriously WHAT
p256 isn't this awkward? really really awkward?
p258 so that's how women get involved. suicide.
p260 um if it's Bella i will kill myself
p261 WHAT WHAT WHAT
p265 nope. stop referencing good books
Chapter 12: In which Mark teaches everyone how to dismantle Eclipse with Mean Girls.
p268 SHUT UP ABOUT HATING JOY
P269 YEAH WHAT
p270 something is seriously wrong with you
p273 what is this shittery
p274 ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT
p276 WHAT IS THIS FUCKING NONSENSE. WHAT IS HAPPENING
P277 THAT IS BECAUSE YOU ARE A CRAZY, MISOGYNIST FUCKBAG
P277 THIS IS LITERALLY THE WORST THING OF ALL TIME
p278 BECAUSE YOU WILL LITERALLY BE TOGETHER FOREVER SO WHY NOW
p278 STOP THIS NOW
p279 YOU ARE NOT A JOURNALIST. STOP
p285 UGH ANOTHER STORY. STOP IT.
Chapter 13: In which Mark learns that Stephenie Meyer and the Cullens are all racist fuckbag wastes of space.
p287 i'm truly not prepared for the fuckery about to come.
p289 what the fuck is this. also, this is KIND OF RACIST
p290 WHAT WHAT WHAT BABY VAMPIRES WHAT THE FUCK
p290 this is seriously the most racist bullshit ever
p291 so so so so so so bad
p292 OH MY FUCKING GOD THIS IS THE MOST RACIST THING I HAVE EVER COME ACROSS. WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK.
p293 oh of course SHE USED TO BE MEXICAN BUT BECOMING A VAMPIRE MAKES HER WHITE. FUCKING SHOOT ME.
p294 OH MY GOD WHAT KIND OF SEXIST BULLSHIT IS THIS. THIS IS HORRIBLE.
p297 I BET YOU WERE SO EXCITED TO BE WHITE AND OWNING A CITY OF BROWN PEOPLE
P299 MORE RACIST WANKERY
p304 oh god THAT WAS IT. KILL ME.
p305 what is this nonsense
Chapter 14: In which Bella cries and whines and cries and everyone is a horrible person.
p310 ARE YOU INSANE. IT'S JUST A PARTY. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU.
p311 SHUT UP. SHUT UP YOU RACIST.
p313 you may be the dumbest person ever
p314 what
p315 do you seriously hate everyone.
p316 babysitting? you mean KIDNAPPING
p318 WHAT WHAT BRIBE
p320 what
p322 who are these people
p324 wow this is so creepy and weird. SEX ANALOGY???
p325 wow wow marriage wankery
p325 WHAT THE FUCK STOP IT
p327 OH GREAT THIS IS AWESOME.
Chapter 15: In which Mark's GIF party over Jacob's awesomeness is interrupted by the infamous rape kiss.
p329 well this is pleasant
p329 what is happening
p330 HAHAHAHAHA I LOVE YOU JACOB
p330 WHAT WHY
p330 you have to be fucking kidding me
p331 please let death come swiftly
p331 I don't even know what to say
p332 is that racist?
p332 murder. what.
p333 i have never wanted death more
p334 this is absolutely absurd
p336 what the fuck.
p336 every awesome person just became horrible. what is happening
p338 i'm sorry WHAT JUST HAPPENED. WHAT IS HAPPENING
p340 this is the worst thing i have ever read
p342 there is no worse book on the planet
Chapter 16: In which the plot does not move an inch for 19 pages.
p347 please end your life
p349 i don't care. this was obvious when it was introduced
p351 what
p352 i hate you
p353 of course girls never stop talking
p354 oh please
p355 why are you alive
p359 cannot stand this mediocrity
p360 you are a horrible person
p362 oh great Charlie is being nice. what is Meyer going to ruin now?
p363 what
p364 why
Chapter 17: In which Mark hates everything while hating hate because he hates EVERYTHING.
p365 shut up
p366 what is EDUCATIONAL MUSIC
p369 god why do you exist
p371 oh god WHAT
p372 what the fuck is happening
p373 well at least he apologized
p374 why why why are you so sweet
Chapter 18: In which Mark is bored to death by a book where nothing happens.
p384 please shut up. i don't get it
p389 I DON'T CARE
p391 jesus what
p397 I DON'T CARE
p398 this is so so so so deeply creepy
p411 it's still incredibly weird that he watches her while she sleeps
p412 oh shit BURN
p413 this is proof of your TERRIBLE RELATIONSHIP
p415 except that WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS
p416 wait WHAT. ok legit surprised.
p418 what what what ARE YOU SERIOUS.
p419 well, there it is
p419 please kill me
p420 shut up PLEASE
P422 then stop it YOU ARE TERRIBLE
p426 i hate all of you
p431 WOLVES LAUGHING. this is horrible
Chapter 20: In which Edward and Bella finally decided to discuss sex and marriage and Mark has an aneurysm.
p434 child werewolves? what?
p436 please don't
p438 please stop this
p439 YEAH HE IS A STATUE. JUST AS UNLIVING. WHAT THE FUCK
p440 unbearable. it's coming. i don't want it.
p442 please make this stop
p443 you are the biggest douchebag of all time
p445 i want to die
p446 i seriously think there is nothing worse in the world than this
p446 WHAT THE FUCK
p447 SHUT UP
p449 this is fanfiction. help.
p450 SEX AFTER MARRIAGE. GREAT. FUCKING SHOOT ME
p451 sexist swine
p453 this is so horrible
p454 yeah, that's not coveting. also ARE YOU A CHRISTIAN VAMPIRE. fucking kill me
p455 THERE ARE TYPOS ON THIS PAGE
p456 SANCTITY OF MARRIAGE. AWESOME.
p459 this is so deeply creepy
p460 worst book of all time
Chapter 21: In which Mark elaborates on abuse and how it relates to this book.
p461 wait what. you gave it back. what.
p462 THIS IS NOT MARRIAGE OR HAPPINESS. WHAT THE FUCK.
p463 SERIOUSLY. SERIOUSLY?
p465 what the shit is wrong with all of these people?
p466 WHY ARE YOU ALL SO UNHAPPY
p467 all of you: terrible people
p471 why
p475 WHY IS JACOB SUCH AN ASSHOLE
p476 ABOUT TIME
p477 so so so so bad
p487 did you need to write that out
p488 please stop it
p490 i'm sorry. what. what.
p491 what is happening. stop it. stop it.
p495 possibly the worst thing i have ever ever ever read
p496 i want to die
p497 worst thing of all time. horrible.
p497 SHE CAN HEAR YOU, WEIRDOS.
p498 at a complete loss for words
p499 what is happening
p501 can't. can't stand this
p502 GIRLS DO NOT NEED TO HAVE CHILDREN. STOP IT.
p503 please stop it
p507 oh great
p509 what is happening
p511 vomit
p513 SHUT UP
p513 NO SHUT UP
p514 you are the worst person on the face of the fucking planet. holy shit.
p515 this is NOT YOUR FAULT.
p516 more physical restraint
p517 NO NOT LIKE WUTHERING HEIGHTS AT ALL
p518 now it is your fault
p518 STOP BELONGING TO PEOPLE
p520 scratch a message in the dirt. you are the dumbest character of all time
p522 horrible, horrible people
p523 what
p525 WHAT IS THIS SHITTERY
p526 WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK
p526 WHAT IS THIS
P527 WHAT IS HAPPENING WHAT THE FUCK
p527 this is the worst book of all time
p528 this is not fucking happening
p529 i literally want to die
p529 STOP DESCRIBING THINGS
Chapter 24: In which Mark returns from vacation and wishes to return right back there.
p532 i want to go back to New York and never read this again
p533 what is this bullshit
p534 please abuse me. is that is what is happening here. what
p536 this is horrible
p537 possibly the worst action scene of all time
p539 what
p540 literally, so anticlimactic
p541 oh my god SPARKLING PLEASE KILL ME
p544 this is not happening. YOU ARE TALKING YOUR WAY OUT OF A FIGHT
p546 i actually do not understand this sequence at all
p549 is this like CANDY
p550 are you fucking serious
p552 I'M SORRY WHAT. WHAT. WHAT. WHAT.
p552 CAN ROCK BE TORN TO SHREDS
p553 what is this. what.
Chapter 25: In which Mark discusses lots of wankery.
p555 what
p558 OH GOD EDWARDS IS WORRIED ABOUT BEING TOTES MASCULINE
p559 oh by the way DON'T GET INVOLVED BECAUSE YOU ARE WORTHLESS
p561 what
p562 you're kidding me
p565 worst book of all time
p569 hate everything
p572 end this all
p574 BREE HAHAHAHA BREESAYS IS IN ECLIPSE
p576 why do all her characters just explain the plot? ugh.
p579 what
Chapter 26: In which Mark discusses ethics and rages the night away.
p581 you all lie a lot
p581 you are all CLEARLY CLEARLY RESPONSIBLE
p582 JUST LOOK DOWN
p585 SHUT UP. also bella's power will be MIND BLOCKAGE or something stupid
p587 just shoot me. are you SERIOUS
p589 definitely want to die. character assassination much?
p590 are her own characters foreshadowing the book for her what
p592 RIGHT FUCK THOSE FEMALE WEREWOLVES
p592 SHUT UP
p593 you are all terrible people
p594 again, all terrible people
p595 a swift death
p596 all of you stop talking
p597 shut up
p599 stop
p600 UGH THE TITLE SHOOT ME
p605 how are you not dehydrated from CONSTANT CRYING
p606 wow that is so creepy
p606 stop crying
p607 oh boy you really are a terrible person
p608 wow even creepier.
p608 please stop talking
p609 what is happening
p610 stop
p611 YOU ARE NOT WUTHERING HEIGHTS YOU ASSHOLE
p612 please stop. forever. oh my god
p614 you have to be fucking kidding me
p615 jesus i hate all of you
p616 what the shittery
p617 THE WORST THING OF ALL TIME HOLY FUCKING GOD
p618 she said no. SHE SAID NO.
p619 jesus STOP IT
Epilogue: In which Mark writes another entry into the Twilight play and then gets really depressing about finishing the whole book.
p621 you have to be fucking kidding me. why.
p622 FUCK YOU SO MUCH FUCK YOU
p623 WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT
p623 fuck you fuck you FUCK YOU
p624 ALL OF YOU DIE IN A FIRE
p625 retarded. really.
p626 tough women are the only worthy ones...shut up
p627 all horrible people
Enjoy. Breaking Dawn starts later today.
You'll ♥
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