Mark Reads 'Breaking Dawn': Chapter 3

In the third chapter of Breaking Dawn, Meyer actually introduces a major plot point in the third chapter. However, it's such a large point that everything feels deflated. How can there possibly be 700 more pages of this? Oh, just so you know, Bella actually gets married to Edward. And it might have been beautiful if it all wasn't so unbearable and atrocious. Intrigued? Then it's time for Mark to read Breaking Dawn.

CHAPTER 3: BIG DAY

Look, if it's not obvious by now, I'm not a big fan of marriage. Of course, this is immensely ironic, considering my somewhat public support of the fight for gay marriage a year ago. Thoughts change and attitudes change. I realized I was fighting for something that I didn't even want, nor was it really an important battle in the LGBT world. As I've mentioned in the past, marriage means nothing to me. I grew up believing I'd never be able to participate in the act and detached myself from its importance.

I say this because I feel I must be completely transparent about this chapter review. It's very possible I hated it so much precisely because it's about marriage. I'm a cis gay man who isn't ever going to get married. I am biased. FULL DISCLOSURE.

Of course, I could hate the long-awaited wedding between Bella Swan and Edward Cullen because Stephenie Meyer is a terrible writer.

So...the wedding. Imagine this:

But a lot more sparkle and self-hate. And before I march forward, this really bothers me: How the fuck do these characters never sparkle? There are vampires everywhere and there is constant light AND sunlight, yet Meyer only makes them sparkle when she wants. Ugh.

Anyway, on we go.

• Charlie had taken the entire day off for the wedding, and he was definitely at loose ends. Now and then, his eyes flickered furtively to the closet under the stairs, where he kept his fishing gear.

So now other characters hate this marriage just as much as Bella does? Awesome. Everyone in this book is so loving and caring.

• "No one expects me to be stunning. I think the bigger problem is that I might fall asleep during the ceremony and not be able to say 'I do' at the right part, and then Edward will make his escape."

Stephenie Meyer is like that awkward "friend" who tries to integrate herself into your life and your conversations by mimicking your particular brand of speech. You know, the one who tries to have an offensive sense of humor or who thinks they know your inside jokes or who can be deadpan just like you! Unfortunately, everything they say is awkward and not funny because they actually believe it's true.

And that's what ruins this wedding. This isn't a joke from Bella. She truly believes that she's ugly, that she'll fall asleep during the ceremony, and that her future husband will find any opportunity to abandon her at the altar. What this says about Meyer's view of women, not just Bella, is so monumentally stupid and disturbing that I'm at a bit of a loss for words. I've said it so many times, but I know I'm either preaching to the choir or yelling into emptiness.

Ugh.

• "Is this really necessary? I'm going to look plain next to him no matter what."

Again, cannot resist the temptation to denigrate herself. Bella Swan, you literally are getting everything you have ever wanted from life. Shut the fuck up.

• Renee had flown in two days ago, and I'd spent every minute I could with her--every minute that I could pry away her away from Esme and the decorations, in other words. As far as I could tell, she was having more fun with this than a kid locked in Disneyland overnight. In a way, I felt almost as cheated as Charlie. All that wasted terror over her reaction...

Your mother is happy about your wedding, even though you expected the opposite. Please enjoy something, Bella. CHRIST>

Also, Meyer, stop ending your sentences with ellipses. That is not how they're used.

• I should have realized that having Alice as my only bridesmaid was a mistake. I would look that much more uncoordinated coming behind her.

STOP IT. STOP IT NOW. YOU ARE GETTING MARRIED TO THE MAN OF YOUR LITERAL DREAMS. SHUT UP.

• Our vows were the simple, traditional words that had been spoken a million times, though never by a couple quite like us.

It's true; never have I seen two people who despise each other's existence get married before. I hate you, Stephenie Meyer.

• We'd asked Mr. Weber to make only one small change. He obligingly traded the line "till death do us part" for the more appropriate "as long as we both shall live."

Vomiting over here. But you aren't prepared.

• In that moment, as the minister said his part, my world, which had been upside down for so long now, seemed to settle into its proper position. I saw just how silly I'd been for fearing this--as if it were an unwanted birthday gift or an embarrassing exhibition, like prom. I looked into Edward's shining, triumphant eyes and knew that I was winning, too. Because nothing else mattered but that I could stay with him.

Yep. After an entire book of Bella fighting back against Edward's nonsensical and absurd demands, after finally standing up for herself as an independent woman, it takes her 5 seconds to change her mine. Now marriage is awesome. Clearly, she wouldn't know this as a single woman until she actually got married! Oh, silly non-partnered women. You're all so stupid.

Hate. This. Book.