Mark Reads 'Breaking Dawn': Chapter 21

In the twenty-first chapter of Breaking Dawn, Meyer actually writes a passage that's tolerable and kind of poetic. Like all things positive and good in the world, the author then has to immediately ruin everything ever for everyone. Because we get to witness Bella hunting. All hope is lost if you enter this review. Still intrigued? Then it's time for Mark to read Breaking Dawn.

Man, WHEN IS THIS GOING TO END

CHAPTER 21: FIRST HUNT

Most of the chapter had me thinking, "I DO NOT UNDERSTAND ANYTHING WHAT IS GOING ON." Which is unfortunate, because I'd like to think I'm pretty good at reading comprehension. Hell, I've read Faulkner and Pynchon and managed to make it through some particularly difficult novels in my time. Despite that, this was my facial expression at least ten times in this chapter:

Yes. A combination of confusion and painful sadness.

In the 21st chapter, Edward takes Bella on her first hunting expedition. Initially, it's full of tons of boring descriptions of nonsense and of Bella's sudden inability to be clumsy at all. See, guys, vampirism makes you absolutely perfect! Because man, it must be so shitty to be ugly and human and not able-bodied. God, what a drag!

Let's start out with this:

• Also, this dress--that Alice must have put me in sometime when I was too lost in the burning to notice--was not what I would have picked out for either jumping or hunting. Tightly fitted ice-blue silk? What did she think I would need it for? Was there a cocktail party later?

I don't understand you at all, Stephenie Meyer. You literally have to be making this up as you go along. And not in some creative way. Just...this is such bullshit.

• Unhindered by my skirt, it took only one long bound to reach the water's edge. Just an eighty-fourth of a second, and yet it was plenty of time--my eyes and my mind moved so quickly that one step was one.

First of all, STOP USING THAT MEASUREMENT OF TIME. I DON'T CARE. NO ONE CARES. IT DOESN'T HELP YOUR WRITING. Also, just so you know, Bella jumps over 50 feet IN A SINGLE BOUND. This is some Superman shit here, guys.

Ugh.

Also, EDWARD WEARS PERFUME. I don't fucking understand why he needs to because vampires don't sweat or produce body odor. But Bella describes it as "strange honey-lilac-and-sun perfume." WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN. THE SUN DOES NOT HAVE A SCENT AND EVEN IF IT DID, HOW THE FUCK COULD YOU SMELL SOMETHING THAT IS NEARLY 100 MILLION MILES AWAY FROM THE PLANET YOU INHABIT.

I hate this book so much.

However, I was totally taken aback and surprised by a passage in this chapter that was frighteningly good. Like...written well. And I actually enjoyed it. Bella describes her first experience using her newfound sense of hearing, which is far more amplified from her human self:

• "Listen," Edward instructed. "What do you hear?"

  Everything, I could have said; his perfect voice, his breath, his lips brushing together as he spoke, the whisper of birds preening their feathers in the treetops, their fluttering heartbeats, the maple leaves scraping together, the faint clicking of ants following each other in a long line up the bark of a nearest tree. But I knew he meant something specific, so I let my ears range outward, seeking something different than the small hum of life that surrounded me. There was an open space near us--the wind had a different sound across the exposed grass--and a small creek, with a rocky bed. And there, near the noise of the water, was the splash of lapping tongues, the loud thudding of heavy hearts, pumping thick streams of blood...

I also find it kind of funny that the only times I seem to like Meyer's writing is when she's describing things that aren't people. But still! That's good! It provides a very specific mental image! It works!

And then, ruined.

• "I have to get away from here," I spit through my teeth, using the breath I had.

  Shock crossed his face. "Can you leave?"

  I didn't have time to ask him what he meant by that.

But...could you? What the fuck are you talking about? I don't understand what is going on. First, Bella is trying to hunt and smells Edward and then...gets mad at him? What? Also, YOU DON'T HAVE BREATH. YOU DON'T NEED TO BREATH. THEREFORE, YOU CANNOT BE OUT OF BREATH. Oh god, this is horrible.

• "How did you do that?" he demanded. 

  "You let me beat you before, didn't you?" I demanded back, ignoring his question. And I'd thought I'd been doing so well!

What are you guys talking about????

• He shrugged and shook his head, refusing to be deflected. "Bella, how did you do it?"

  "Run away? I held my breath."

  "But how did you stop hunting?"

  "When you came up behind me...I'm so sorry about that."

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU GUYS TALKING ABOUT? Also, CAN VAMPIRES BREATH OR NOT. WHAT THE FUCK. THIS DOESN'T MAKE ANY FUCKING SENSE.

• "I'm not laughing at you, Bella. I'm laughing because I am in shock. And I am in shock because I am completely amazed."

  "Why?"

YES WHY. WHY CAN'T ANY OF YOU COMMUNICATE LIKE FUCKING NORMAL PEOPLE.

•  "You shouldn't be able to do any of this. You should be so...so rational. You shouldn't be able to stand here discussing this with me calmly and coolly. And, much more than any of that, you should not have been able to break off mid-hunt with the scent of human blood in the air. even mature vampires have difficulty with that--we're always very careful of where we hunt so as not to put ourselves in the path of temptation. Bella, you're behaving like you're decades rather than days old."

oh. great. HOW VERY CONVENIENT FOR OUR AUTHOR THAT SHE DOESN'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH HER CHARACTER BECOMING A VAMPIRE, EVEN THOUGH SHE'S SPENT ENTIRE BOOKS FORCING HER STUPID VAMPIRE MYTHOLOGY ON US. oh god i hate absolutely everything.

• It was effortless as biting into butter. My teeth were steel razors; they cut through the fur and fat and sinews like they weren't there.

The Twilight series has somehow turned me into a prude. Why do I suddenly cringe at descriptions of violence? I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THAT BELLA BITES INTO A MOUNTAIN LION AND IT'S LIKE BITING INTO BUTTER. Also I THOUGHT YOU WERE GROSSED OUT BY VIOLENCE you are such a big fat liar pants, Stephenie Meyer.

• The flavor was wrong, but the blood was hot and wet and it soothed the ragged, itching thirst as I drank in an eager rush. The cat's struggles grew more and more feeble, and his screams choked off with a gurgle. The warmth of the blood radiated throughout my whole body, heating even my fingertips and toes.

wwwwwwwwwwwwwhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

• "I guess I could have done that better." I was covered in dirt, my hair knotted, my dress bloodstained and hanging in tatters.

why does this exist what is this i don't even

• I felt very full, sort of sloshy, even. I wasn't sure how much more liquid would fit into my body.

Please stop describing everything.

• Maybe this was the part of me that I'd brought forward to be intensified in my new life. Like Carlisle's compassion and Esme's devotion. I would probably never be able to do anything interesting or special like Edward, Alice, and Jasper could do. Maybe I would just love Edward more than anyone in the history of the world had ever loved anyone else.

IS IT POSSIBLE THAT YOU SAVED YOUR RECEIPT FROM THIS TRANSACTION? PLEASE IMMEDIATELY RETURN YOUR VAMPIRISM BECAUSE THAT IS THE WORST SUPERPOWER OF ALL FUCKING TIME.

I hate this book so much.