Mark Reads 'Breaking Dawn': Chapter 22

In the twenty-second chapter of Breaking Dawn, a whole lot happens and, truthfully, it's incredibly hard to describe it. There's a scent test, a thought-projecting infant, child rape (I think???), a whole lot of anger, and just....I don't even know. I just don't know how to do this anymore. If you're still intrigued, then it's still time for me to read Breaking Dawn.

CHAPTER 22: PROMISED

Twilight: An Act In Multiple Parts

Act 194
Scene 5

[We open on the lush forests of Forks, Washington. BELLA and EDWARD are staring at each other with loving sex eyes. This continues until it is apparent the audience watching them becomes visibly awkward.

EDWARD: Let us run through the forest while holding hands!¹

BELLA: Yes! Also, tell me about my daughter, because I've already forgotten about her. I know, I know, it's only been three days, but she's like a distant memory!²

EDWARD: She's like nothing else in the world.

BELLA: What does she look like?

EDWARD: Since you can't remember your own child, let me explain. She's a perfect mix between you, me, and Charlie.³ That's probably creepy, but who cares! We are in love and we are vampires and we are utterly perfect!

BELLA: It's so great being white and rich and able-bodied!

EDWARD: Oh, by the way, Jacob is hanging out with your child and has been this whole time. I'm not going to tell you why, but for the next 20 pages, I'll constantly refer to it and then refuse to tell you what I'm talking about.⁴

BELLA: Oh, Edward, it's just like old times!

[The two embrace and disappear off stage.]

Scene 6

[BELLA and EDWARD arrive at the Cullen residence but are stopped by JACOB, SETH, and LEAH, who are waiting outside.]

JACOB: It's time for Bella's test, Edward. 

EDWARD: Oh, right, yet another thing we've forced Bella to do without talking to her or asking her permission. We are awesome friends.⁵

[JACOB steps up to BELLA, who is being restrained by EDWARD. SETH and LEAH both move behind JACOB in a defensive position.]

JACOB: Go on. Smell me.⁶

BELLA: This is really strange. Also, you are acting strange too. I don't know what's going on.

EDWARD: Just do as we say. We clearly know more about you than you do.

BELLA: What's going on? Are you two keeping secrets from me?⁷

JACOB: Don't worry about it. We'll tell you later.

BELLA: Ok, I guess. So I'm going to smell you now.

[BELLA leans in to Jacob and smells his neck. There's a brief moment of hesitation before she wrinkles her nose in disgust.]

BELLA: Wow, you really do smell. OK I PASSED THE TEST. Can I finally see my daughter?

EDWARD: Yes, but we're all going to treat you like you're a monster who is going to murder us all and your child in the next 10 seconds.⁸

BELLA: You guys are the best.

Scene 7

[We move inside of the Cullen house, which is lined with the vampire family. JACOB, SETH, LEAH, and EDWARD follow BELLA inside.]

BELLA: Can I see my child now?

JACOB: Are you sure she's ready?

BELLA: Can I see my child now?

EDWARD: I hope you're ready.

BELLA: CAN I PLEASE SEE MY OWN FUCKING CHILD NOW.

ROSALIE: I suppose.

[BELLA finally gets to hold her own child.]

BELLA: Well, he's got Edward's features, and my eyes and cheeks. And she's got Charlie's curls.⁹

JASPER: Are you going to eat your own child?

ALICE: I think she's fine. But we should be careful.

EDWARD: Well, she actually stopped hunting humans earlier today, so maybe she's just super special.

[THE CULLENS collectively shit their pants at this news.]]

CARLISLE: I AM SO EXCITED I MAY JUST PEE MYSELF TOO.

EMMETT: HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE? WE ARE WEAK IN THE FACE OF HUMANS.

ROSALIE: I think I just punched myself in the face.

ESME: YOU ARE A TRUE MIRACLE. LIKE JESUS.

EDWARD: Yeah, she's just like Jesus. We've never heard of a vampire who can resist the urge to hunt, even though we do it all the time.¹⁰

BELLA: I hate myself. My power sucks.

EDWARD: Don't worry. I'm sure you'll discover something else new.

BELLA: Actually, I just saw what Renesmee is thinking. She like...superimposed it onto her own face.¹¹ 

EDWARD: Yeah, your baby also has special powers.

JACOB: THIS IS ENDLESSLY CREEPY.

BELLA: WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM AND WHY ARE YOU ACTING SO WEIRD.

JACOB: Um....nothing.

BELLA: I see how you are looking at my child and not freaking out about being around so many vampires. DID YOU FUCKING IMPRINT ON MY NEWBORN CHILD.

JACOB [hesitating]: I may have.

BELLA: WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK

JACOB: I couldn't help it! It isn't something I can choose!

BELLA: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST YOU ARE IN LOVE WITH A GODDAMN INFANT WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON.

JACOB: Look on the bright side! At least now I can be a part of your family!

BELLA: JACOB, THAT WOULD MAKE YOU MY SON-IN-LAW. WE HAVE MADE OUT AND I HAVE SERIOUSLY CONSIDERED PUTTING YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME. WHAT THE FUCK.¹²

JACOB: Don't worry. I can't hurt her. She's just a baby! She can't be hurt by my love.

BELLA: THAT IS ACTUALLY MY ENTIRE POINT. ALSO, YOU SOUND LIKE A FUCKING CHILD MOLESTER OH MY GOD.

EMMETT: Oh, fuck yes. Bella is finally breaking! I can't wait to see this fight.¹³

BELLA: I AM LITERALLY GOING TO KILL YOU RIGHT NOW. 

JACOB: Aw, c'mon. Nessie likes me too.

BELLA: WHAT DID YOU CALL HER?

JACOB: The name you gave her is a mouthful. I gave her a nickname.

BELLA: YOU NICKNAMED MY DAUGHTER AFTER THE LOCK NESS MONSTER???¹⁴ THAT'S IT. YOU ARE DEAD.

To be continued.

Author's Notes:

1) Holy god they REALLY DO THIS. WHAT.
2) I wish this wasn't a joke. Because vampires slowly lose memory of their human life, Bella can't remember what her child looks like. However, she remembers Edward? And everyone else? I DON'T GET THIS.
3) WHAT. LIKE CHARLIE. WHAT.
4) WHY CAN'T ANYONE IN THIS WRETCHED SERIES COMMUNICATE REGULARLY. WHAT THE FUCK.
5) Sigh. Is it too much to ask to just respect another person enough to talk with them? What's with Meyer and her problems with consent?
6) Despite that Bella (conveniently) hasn't torn a single human or vampire to shreds and appears to be totally in control of herself, Jacob has her perform a test before seeing her own daughter. WHAT IS WITH THIS SERIES AND SMELLING. IT IS SO WEIRD.
7) Quote from Bella. WHY DOES NO ONE JUST TRUST HER. Jesus SHE IS A VAMPIRE AND SHE IS PERFECT NOW. WHAT ELSE DO YOU WANT.
8) YEAH. REALLY. There is like a procession involved with getting Bella into the house and everyone takes up defensive positions, despite her passing everyone's dumb tests. 
9) Charlie has curls??????
10) I DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS. Apparently, it's fucking GOD'S MIRACLE ON EARTH that Bella was able to stop hunting humans even though AT ONE POINT OR ANOTHER ALL VAMPIRES RESIST THE URGE TO FEED SO THIS IS NOTHING SPECIAL AT ALL. Oh god whyyyyyy.
11) That's the only way I know how to describe what Meyer writes. Renesmee has the ability to show people what she's thinking, the opposite of mind-reading. What.
12) Even I was surprised that Bella points out how truly fucked up this situation is. She points out the "son-in-law" thing. Unfortunately, I'm sure everyone will get over it in like a chapter. Sigh.
13) EMMETT CHEERS ON THIS NONSENSE. WHAT THE FUCK.
14) exact quote. Take note of the fact that Bella named her child by simply RAMMING TWO NAMES TOGETHER. NESSIE IS A FAR BETTER NAME.

I hate everything.