Mark Reads 'Breaking Dawn': Chapter 25

In the twenty-fifth chapter of Breaking Dawn, HOW IS THIS A PUBLISHED NOVEL IN THE 21ST FUCKING CENTURY? Intrigued? Then it's time for Mark to read Breaking Dawn.

GUYS I SERIOUSLY DON'T GET THIS ANYMORE. NONE OF THIS MAKES SENSE AND IT HURTS MY BRAIN.

CHAPTER 25: FAVOR

Jesus, HOW IS THIS REAL.

• It was only a little while later that Edward reminded me of my priorities.

  It took him just one word.

  "Renesmee..."

YEAH. YEAH. DID YOU FORGET YOU HAVE A NEWBORN, JUST DAYS OLD, BEING TAKEN CARE OF BY OTHER PEOPLE. oh my god this is the worst book of all time

• That would have to be enough to get me through the daylight hours. I would balance this overwhelming, devastating desire so that I could be good--It was hard to think the word. Though Renesmee was very real and vital in my life, it was still difficult to think of myself as a mother.

WHAT THE FUCK THEN WHY DO YOU HAVE A FUCKING CHILD HOLY SHIT WHY IS THIS REAL

After this, Bella attempts to get dress and her super serious FIRST WORLD PROBLEM is that Alice gave her too many clothes to choose from to wear and this is really, really bad. IT'S SO TRAGIC BELLA. GOD, IT MUST BE SO HARD TO HAVE A CLOSET FULL OF DESIGNER CLOTHES.

And then, Emmett decides to finally start talking.

• "So it's still standing?" he managed to get out between his snickers. "I would've thought you two had knocked it to rubble by now. What were you doing last night? Discussing the national debt?" He howled with laughter.

im sorry what 

We'll get back to this. Because immediately after this, we learn, from Alice, that Jacob has gone to confront Charlie and tell him that his daughter is a vampire. Guys, this is a real treat. Sit back, and enjoy.

• Jacob's smile wavered, but he was still too wound up to answer seriously. "Blondie and Emmett woke me up this morning going on and on about you all moving cross-country. Like I could let you leave. Charlie was the biggest issue there, right? Well, problem solved."

WHY IS IT THAT NO ONE IN THIS BOOK JUST ASKS PERMISSION? FOR ANYTHING? I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT.

• "I didn't tell him anything about you, Bella. Not really. I told him about me. Well, show is probably a better verb."

ARE YOU SERIOUS.

• "He's brave. Brave as you are. Didn't pass out or throw up or anything. I gotta say, I was impressed. You should've seen his face when I started taking my clothes off, though. Priceless," Jacob chortled.

is he making fun of the gay there i can't tell what is this oh god.

• "So I knocked on Charlie's door this morning and asked him to come for a walk with me. He was confused, but when I told him it was about you and that you were back in town, he followed me out to the woods. I told him you weren't sick anymore, and that things were a little weird, but good.  He was about to take off to see you, but I told him I had to show him something first. And then I phased." Jacob shrugged.

WHAT POSSIBLY POSSESSED YOU TO THINK THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA.

• "I phased back and got dressed, and then after he started breathing again, I said something like, 'Charlie, you don't live in the world you thought you lived in. The good news is, nothing has changed--except that now you know. Life'll go on the same way it always has. You can go right back to pretending that you don't believe any of this.'

i don't even what the 

• "It took him a minute to get his head together, and then he wanted to know what was really going on with you, with the whole rare-disease thing. I told him that you had been sick, but you were fine now--it was just that you'd had to change a little bit in the process of getting better. He wanted to know what I meant by 'change,' and I told him you looked a lot more like Esme now than you looked like Renee."

this is really happening

Jacob continues to explain that Charlie actually requests to know as little as possible about everything. Except...there's that whole "baby thing. Yeah.

• "Oh yeah. So I told him that you and Edward had inherited a new little mouth to feed." He glanced at Edward. "She's your orphaned ward--like Bruce Wayne and Dick Grayson." Jacob snorted. "I didn't think you'd mind me lying. That's all part of the game, right?" Edward didn't respond in any way, so Jacob went on. "Charlie was way past being shocked at this point, but he did ask if you were adopting her. 'Like a daughter? Like I'm sort of a grandfather?' were his exact words. I told him yes. 'Congrats, Gramps,' and all of that. He even smiled a little."

Oh god this is all real and happening. WHY DOES EVERYONE SWEAR THEY KNOW WHAT IS BEST FOR BELLA'S LIFE?

So in the five minutes before Charlie arrives, the Cullens lecture Bella on how to pretend to be human, which mostly involves them telling her not to sit completely still for hours, since vampires can do that. Oh, and then Bella warns her child not to bit Charlie. And we get this:

• "She understands. You'll be careful, won't you, Renesmee? You'll help us?"

HOW CONVENIENT THAT AN INFANT THAT IS MERE DAYS OLD CAN ALREADY UNDERSTAND REQUESTS AND DEMANDS.

• I heard the tires turn off the highway onto the quiet, damp earth of the Cullens' drive, and my breathing spiked again. My heart out to have been hammering. It made me anxious that my body didn't have the right reactions.

Except...isn't anxiety precisely the perfect reaction? Also, aren't most emotional reactions based on chemical responses in the brain? How the fuck do vampires still have those????

And how is Charlie's conversation with Bella and the Cullens? Nothing short of a disaster. Because, first of all, Bella forgot that she apparently looks absolutely nothing like she used to. So much so that her father doesn't even recognize her. HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE AND WHY IS THIS NOT EXPLAINED. 

Also, Charlie figures out that Renesmee is Bella's child because...well, SHE LOOKS LIKE HER. DUH. 

While stewing in his shock at the whole situation, Emmett, of course, goes back to be a mess:

• "Just scored the first touchdown," Emmett confirmed. He shot a look in my direction, wagging his eyebrows like a villain in vaudeville. "'Bout time somebody scored around here."

REALLY. REALLY. THIS IS A GOOD TIME FOR THIS RIGHT OH GOD WHY

And then Charlie does what anyone would in this situation: He gives up.

• He took yet another deep breath, sucking the air in like he was trying to pull it down to his toes. I envied him. He lurched to his feet, stepped around Jacob, and half-fell into an open chair. "Well," he sighed, "I guess we should see if they can hold on to the lead."

END OF CHAPTER. Why is that like the SADDEST THING I HAVE EVER READ? Poor Charlie.