Mark Reads 'Breaking Dawn': Chapter 29

In the twenty-ninth chapter of Breaking Dawn, Stephenie Meyer, once again, references an important literary work that is actually better than any sentence she has ever written. In doing so, she directly spoils the climax to her own novel. Again. WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY. Intrigued? Then it's time for Mark to read Breaking Dawn.

CHAPTER 29: DEFECTION

The Merchant of Venice is one of Shakespeare's better plays. At least to me. I read a decent bit of Shakespeare in high school in my AP classes, but read a shit ton of it college. It was challenging to get past the language for the first year or so, but once I did, I was pretty surprised with how much I enjoyed the stories he told.

So when Stephenie Meyer references this book in chapter 29 of Breaking Dawn, I already knew how the book would end.

A bit of context: The Cullens discover that Alice and Jasper have decided to leave their family, ostensibly to protect themselves because the Volturi is coming to destroy everyone. HAHAHA SUCKERS. SUCKS FOR YOU, CULLENS. Except that Alice wrote her epic, dramatic note to them on a page ripped out of The Merchant of Venice. Bella suddenly realizes OH MY GOD THIS MUST BE A SUPER SECRET MESSAGE TO ME because how else would Stephenie Meyer advance the plot?

She discovers a message from Alice in her copy of the book. And it's a single name and an address: J. JENKS. She later COVERTLY GOOGLES ENTERS THIS INTO HER FAVORITE SEARCH ENGINE and finds out he's a lawyer.

So let me get this straight: Two important characters, one of them a strong female character, disappear before the main conflict and there's a lawyer involved. 

SO LET ME GUESS: BELLA WILL CONSULT THE LAWYER, THIS WILL HELP HER, AND THEN, WHEN THEY ARE FACING THE VOLTURI DURING THEIR GIANT WITNESS TRIAL, ALICE AND JASPER WILL SHOW UP AND SAVE THE DAY WITH THEIR CRITICAL LEGAL MANEUVERING.

It's the fucking plot of The Merchant of Venice. And if this happens, I will be very, very, very, very upset. 

So, since ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING HAPPENS IN THE FINAL CHAPTERS OF THIS WORTHLESS BOOK, let's turn our attention elsewhere:

"I like how we turned Edward into a 40-year old mother on a bad day."

Yes, this entry definitely looks like it deserves this:

But you need to read it. Every word. So that you be able to fully experience life as Edward prior to Bella showing up.

Some gems:

saint_renegade: I DON'T MAKE FUN OF YOUR HOBBIES!!!
oxymoronassoc: THOSE WERE MY FAVOURITE KHAKIS
oxymoronassoc: I PAID $4.50 FOR THOSE STICKERS YOU DICKS
saint_renegade: YOU ARE PAYING ME BACK!
oxymoronassoc: EMMETT YOU HAVE TO GO BUY ME NEW STICKERS
oxymoronassoc: RIGHT NOW!!!!
saint_renegade: COME ON, WE ARE TAKING THE JEEP
saint_renegade: I AM NOT KIDDING

saint_renegade: GUYS. YOU KNOW WE CAN'T EVER HAVE GUESTS IF THIS IS THE WAY YOU ARE GOING TO KEEP THINGS?
saint_renegade: I WOULD DIE IF SOMEONE CAME OVER RIGHT NOW AND HAD TO USE THE BATHROOM
saint_renegade: THEY WOULD THINK WE WERE PIGS
oxymoronassoc: and emmett and jasper just look at each other like DUDE HE NEEDS TO GET LAID

saint_renegade: Esme would just like hug him and be all 'i'll talk to him, sweetie, you know he doesn't mean it'
oxymoronassoc: and edward would mutter something like THAT DOESN'T MEAN IT ISN'T HURTFUL. 
saint_renegade: NO MOM, HE DOES IT ALL THE TIME, AND HE KNOWS IT'S DISRESPECTFUL, HE KNOWS
oxymoronassoc: and esme would be like WHY DON'T YOU GO TRY OUT THAT NEW POTTERY WHEEL I BOUGHT?

saint_renegade: and that's how they have like 80 bowls they'll never use
oxymoronassoc: all lumpy and badly glazed
saint_renegade: I'M PERFECTING MY ART!!!!!
saint_renegade: WHAT ARE YOU DOING BESIDES BEING FILTHY?
oxymoronassoc: emmett will use them one day when he and jasper are pretending aliens are invading in the backyard and karate chop them to bits
oxymoronassoc: and edward will flip his shit
oxymoronassoc: NO RESPECT
oxymoronassoc: NO RESPECT!!!!
oxymoronassoc: THAT WAS ART!
oxymoronassoc: ART!!!
saint_renegade: oh that would be the shitfit for the ages
saint_renegade: EMERGENCY HOUSE MEETING!!!!!
saint_renegade: Edward would just walk outside and see it and start screaming for a meeting
saint_renegade: THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT
saint_renegade: WELL I WILL TELL YOU SOMETHING MISTER,
oxymoronassoc: DONT EVEN TRY TO SAY YOU DIDNT THINK ANYONE WAS USING THOSE, EMMETT
saint_renegade: YOU HAVE TAKEN IT TOO FAR
oxymoronassoc: I KNOW YOU KNEW THAT I MADE THOSE FOR ESME
saint_renegade: TOO FAR
saint_renegade: THOSE TOOK TIME AND HARD WORK
saint_renegade: DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO WORK ON SOMETHING?
saint_renegade: DO YOU?

You have no idea. You will be in tears.

Discuss.