In the thirty-ninth chapter of Breaking Dawn, I HAVE FUCKING FINISHED READING BREAKING DAWN HOLY SHIT NOTHING ELSE MATTERS BECAUSE HOLY SHIT I MADE IT THROUGH THIS SHITTASTIC PIECE OF GARBAGE ALIVE OH MY GOD there's just one thing I need to do and then we can go back to celebrating the fact that I JUST FUCKING FINISHED READING BREAKING DAWN OH MY GOD
CHAPTER 39: THE HAPPILY EVER AFTER
Twilight: An Act in Multiple Parts
[We see JACOB, EDWARD, and BELLA post-Volturi fight in the Cullen house. The rest of vampire witnesses have left. RENESMEE sits in BELLA'S lap and sleeps, unaware of the conversation our characters are about to have. The mood is pensive, nervous, as if all four of the characters are anticipating something huge and significant.]
EDWARD: I don't really know what to do anymore.
BELLA: Me either. This is pretty weird.
JACOB: Is this really the end for us? Like...for real? The end?
EDWARD: I suppose so. There are only 12 pages left in our book and I spend the majority of that time summarizing the previous chapter to people who were already there.
JACOB: Yeah, as if the people reading this weren't paying attention. That's weird, right?
BELLA: Yeah, it is. I suppose it's not the weirdest though.
[JACOB looks down at Renesmee and we can see the regret and shame in his face.]
JACOB: Do I really have to fall in love with that thing?
[EDWARD and BELLA look at each other reluctantly, then immediately turn their faces to the ground.]
JACOB: Jesus, this sucks. After all I've been through for four books, I fall in love with an infant birthed by the girl I love and the man who took her away from me?
BELLA: Don't look at me. I didn't write this shit.
JACOB: Is this how people will remember me? [JACOB stands up and begins pacing back and forth in front of EDWARD and BELLA.] I mean...shit. I'm basically a condoned child molester.
BELLA: Again, I didn't write this. Blame our author.
EDWARD: Well, I hate to add insult to injury...but you're also not a werewolf, either. How's that for character identity?
[JACOB sits back down on the couch, defeated.]
JACOB: My entire existence in this series is based on me being a werewolf. Why I hate you, why I imprinted on Nessie, why I help accelerate this useless plot...and then I find out it's just a bit of random chance? I could have been a fucking caterpillar. Or a crow. Or a beaver. Jesus, man.
[JACOB hangs his head in his hands.]
EDWARD: I wish I could have told you sooner, to spare you this sort of pain.
[JACOB raises his head to look at EDWARD, tears in his eyes.]
JACOB: Why didn't you say anything? You could have prevented this!
[BELLA fidgets in her spot, uncomfortable with the conversation. EDWARD stands and crosses the room, staring out of the window, thinking.]
EDWARD: I don't think I really knew. At all.
BELLA: What? But you said you did in this chapter.
EDWARD: There's no reason why I'd hold that detail in. [EDWARD turns back to face his friends.] It doesn't make sense. Wouldn't that have solved our problems two books ago? If everyone knew Jacob and his pack weren't actually werewolves, we could have avoided a great deal of the problems in Eclipse, right?
BELLA: I suppose so.
EDWARD: Even further, if they're not real werewolves, why do you guys act like them, Jacob?
[JACOB looks bewildered as EDWARD questions him.]
JACOB: Look, I don't know man. I did what I was told and I thought there'd be some sort of explanation for all this. That there'd be a reason for me acting the way I do. But it doesn't matter. None of it matters. [JACOB stands up to face EDWARD.] Don't you get it? Everything I did had no repercussions. I forced Bella to kiss me. Twice. I'm basically planning to rape a child. I have no concept of consent. And at the end of all of this, I get everything I want. Nothing matters. Not one bit of who I am fucking matters.
[BELLA stops fidgeting and stands up, RENESMEE still asleep in her arms.]
BELLA: I gave up my family.
[EDWARD and JACOB stop to turn to BELLA.]
BELLA: I gave up what little friends I had. Hell, I shouldn't even have friends. Look what I did to Angela and Mike and Ben. I chose a life of eternal servitude to you, Edward, over having friends, family, and any sense of normalcy. And where are these people? Where are the consequences to my actions? It's as if they're just forgotten, irrelevant to the story. Where's Charlie? Where's Renee? I haven't even told my mom what's going on. How am I going to go to school as a fucking vampire?
[The three of them stand still, not looking at each other, not saying anything. BELLA breaks the silence.]
BELLA: What have we become?
EDWARD: Become? At least you changed somehow. You're a vampire now, all perfect, acceptable, and able-bodied. And at least Jacob's got a...girlfriend. [EDWARD grimaces at the word.] And he's got his whole wolf transformation. [EDWARD pauses again.] Does he have that? I don't even know. Point being is that I'm the same. I'm still the same mopey, self-absorbed, stalkery motherfucker.
BELLA: Come on, Ed, you're not that bad...
EDWARD: Not that bad? I fucking watch you in your sleep. I've manipulated you into leaving your family and your friends. I pretend to be moral and "above" the idea of sex outside of marriage, but then I fuck you without a condom and then try to abort your baby without even asking you what you think. I'm the pinnacle of what's wrong in heterosexual relationships. I glorify abuse, I'm the poster boy for men controlling their women, and, at the end of four books, I'm exactly the same. I don't progress. I lose nothing. I gain nothing.
[There is silence for a bit. The three characters stand awkwardly, shuffling about.]
BELLA: I don't lose anything either.
JACOB: I don't either.
EDWARD: Are we even characters anymore? Do we even matter? Do we progress or grow or change or mature or fail or lose or anything?
EDWARD: Then what the fuck are we???
JACOB: I'm angry.
BELLA: Me too.
EDWARD: Me too. And I have an idea.
[EDWARD rushes out of the room. Confused, BELLA pulls RENESMEE close to her as they join JACOB in following EDWARD out.]
[BELLA, EDWARD, JACOB, and RENESMEE stand outside a large, exaggerated house on a nondescript street just outside of Phoenix, Arizona. The sun shines brightly on the front lawn, perfectly landscaped, but the stoop casts a square of shadow over their heads. After a few seconds in silence, the door opens and STEPHENIE MEYER appears at the door. Initially, she merely gapes at the characters she's created standing on her front stoop before she erupts into a bursts of joy.]
MEYER: Oh, oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. You guys are real?
MEYER: I can't believe this. You know, I've looked forward to this moment for so long. My gosh, I don't even know what to say.
MEYER: My gosh, what are you doing here? How are you? Oh gosh, I'm so excited, I don't even know what I'm going to do.
MEYER: Uh...Edward? Bella? Jacob? Renesmee? Is something wrong?
[BELLA speaks first.]
BELLA: I'm angry.
JACOB: I'm pissed.
EDWARD: And I am furious.
RENESMEE: And I'm a fucking baby.
[MEYER shirks away when RENESMEE swears.]
MEYER: Watch your mouth here. We don't use those words in my house.
[BELLA quickly grabs MEYER's face with her right hand, squeezing her mouth shut. She moves in just inches from her face.]
BELLA: We aren't in your house. And we aren't coming in.
[MEYER struggles to move away, but BELLA'S grip is too strong.]
JACOB: We need to talk to you. Now.
EDWARD: Right now.
BELLA: We are upset. About a lot of things.
EDWARD: Why don't I change?
BELLA: Why don't I sacrifice anything?
JACOB: Why the fuck am I a child rapist?
EDWARD: Why am I so controlling?
BELLA: Why am I such a dependent stereotype of a traditional woman?
JACOB: WHY THE FUCK AM I A CHILD RAPIST?
EDWARD: Why am I over 100 years old and into a 17 year old girl?
BELLA: Why do I throw away my whole life for someone I just met?
JACOB: No, seriously, WHY THE FUCK AM I A CHILD RAPIST?
EDWARD: Why don't any of us change or grow or mature or experience loss or failure or anything?
[BELLA lets go of MEYER'S mouth. She rubs her jaw, wide-eyed and out of breath.]
MEYER: I don't understand. I gave you everything you ever wanted. I gave you a perfect mate, Bella, because he has no flaws beyond his own determination. He will love you eternally. I gave you a man to take care of you and protect you, Bella, who will always make sure that no one harms you. Jacob, I found a way for you to still be in love with Bella and find true love. Everything is the way it should be and everything is happy and wonderful. What more could you ask for?
[The characters stare at each other for a few seconds.]
EDWARD: You didn't give us what we wanted. You gave us what you wanted.
BELLA: We are your fantasy.
JACOB: We are your religion.
RENESMEE: I'm a fucking baby and I already have a husband. I should shit in your bed.
[Meyer is aghast at these accusations. Her mouth drops open.]
MEYER: You're role models for my fans! You are the way life is supposed to be. You're full of faith, you respect the sanctity of marriage, the bonds of family, the role of genders in relationships...you're everything I love and cherish about this world.
EDWARD: No, we are not.
[As soon as EDWARD finishes this sentence, BELLA grabs MEYER by her hair and drags her out on to her emerald lawn as she screams in protest. She kicks her feet, screeches piercing the pristine ordered neighborhood.]
MEYER: Stop it, stop it, what are you doing?
[BELLA stops as she reaches the middle of the yard. The neighbors are peeking out of windows, standing in their yards, watching in horror.]
EDWARD: We are going to do what you would approve of. We're going to destroy you.
MEYER [in terror]: What?!?!?!
BELLA: Look what you've made us. We're violent, immoralistic heaps of space who pretend to be good Mormons with perfect families, but we're really just extensions of the same garbage that's told the gays to stay in the closet, that's told trans women they aren't real, that sex is a thing to be feared, unless the man wants it after he's tricked you into marriage.
JACOB: We are the physical manifestations of rape culture, of men disrespecting the bodies that belong to women and women only, and of the men and women who say that you have to have a vagina to be a female. We are the shape-shifting embodiment of feminine violence, of the non-existence of consent, of the thoughts that men have when a woman says, "No."
EDWARD: We are the establishment of religious morality that feigns superiority when all we care to do is inspire fear in those we seek to control. We are the men who worship the virility of the virgin and demonize the women who have learned that sex is powerful. We are those who believe that marriage is an institution to solidify the roles of gender that have oppressed and marginalized everyone who has dared challenge it.
BELLA: You created this. And it's going to destroy you.
[In a flurry of activity, JACOB shifts form to a russet beast, towering over MEYER. EDWARD and BELLA suddenly cast prisms of light in all directions of the Phoenix neighborhood and they both begin to hiss. As JACOB rises to his hind legs, preparing to crush MEYER's head, a voice stops them.]
RENESMEE: DON'T DO IT!
[They all stop and stare at RENESMEE, who is standing at MEYER'S stoop.]
RENESMEE: We can't do this!
EDWARD, JACOB and BELLA [In unison]: Why not?!?!?!
[RENESMEE runs out to the middle of the lawn, her curls bouncing on her forehead.]
RENESMEE: Don't you see? The one thing Meyer never gave us was a choice.
RENESMEE: She'd like you to think you were made this way. That you can't control who you are. That your hand is forced by the religion you obey, by the gender roles you uphold, by the bigotry that makes up the fabric of your characters. But she's wrong. You do have a choice.
BELLA: A choice to do what?
RENESMEE: Anything you want. To reject a God who thinks women belong in a role, to reject male autonomy, to reject the glorification of rape, and to reject all of this bullshit she's made you do for four entire books.
[JACOB slowly shifts back to his human form. He's nude, as usual.]
JACOB: What's your deal with young, muscled boys, Meyer?
[MEYER, her eyes still wide with horror, merely shrugs.]
BELLA: We don't need to do this. This is what she wants. This is what she believes.
EDWARD: Damn. You're right. But fuck, it would feel so good to tear this woman to shreds.
RENESMEE: I know. I get it. But it's ok, because I just shit in her bed.
[JACOB, EDWARD, and BELLA look at each other with consideration.]
JACOB: Sounds good to me. Let's get out of here.
BELLA: Good enough for me too.
EDWARD: Good riddance.
[The four of them walk away from MEYER, leaving her in the middle of her lawn. A small sob escapes her throat, but she doesn't say anything. Her eyes shut and she collapses on the ground, breathing heavily. The neighbors shake their heads, close their doors, pull down the blinds, or drive away. There's nothing to see anymore. MEYER remains in her spot as the lights slowly dim until everything is pitch black. All we can hear is her labored breathing.]
MEYER: I'm sorry.
I need to say it, for a sense of poetry, as a form of catharsis, and to confirm what I suspected all along.
As of this moment, Breaking Dawn is the worst novel to ever be printed and released to more than five people who have ever existed, is infinitely worse than the three previous Twilight Saga books combined, and is, easily, the worst excuse for fiction that I have ever had the displeasure of reading.
Fuck you, Stephenie Meyer.