Mark Reads Twilight's Blog

In the epilogue of Eclipse, Meyer mysteriously decides to switch to Jacob's point of view for the final few pages of the novel. In just 8 pages of text, she commits the ultimate character assassination of Jacob Black, confirms that the werewolves are all misogynist wastes of space, and makes sure that Jacob also calls an inanimate object "retarded." IN 8 PAGES. Intrigued? Then it's time for Mark to finish reading Eclipse.

Full review of the epilogue of Eclipse inside...

In the twenty seventh chapter of Eclipse, the Cullens stalk Bella and Bella cries so much she becomes dehydrated. There's some more marriage lulz, as we learn that Alice is planning a "traditional" wedding ceremony for Bella. Then there's a sex scene with no resolution and it's very painful and awkward. And everything is horrible and terrible and not good at all. Intrigued? Then it's time for Mark to read Eclipse.

Full review of the 27th chapter of Eclipse inside...

In the twenty sixth chapter of Eclipse, @#$ $#%WDFJKJASKDF Z;DKLJADSF0978345;ASF ;ASF9034FADSKJL ASDKJASD90UKFA;HLKA D@#$!@##$@! 1546 @$%$^*#@$@(##!$% D  AKL;A;ISDJKLDS:IO AJK;KLj sdfa;ljkasdio;fu ewrn ()*()*(YYIUHJjkl U90&y%^&*$^&YUPhjklJHbvVlg hjklL kgKJ fKrTUYRIThfkj jIU(&*5^*(&kl LGKJFKG^IU^&4gluk ,$&*%^$%&^^%&*%^!@ !!@@!!@!!@!1!1!21!@@1%12#!2  12 1 Intrigued? Then it's time for Mark to read Eclipse. 

Full review of the 26th chapter of Eclipse inside...

In the twenty fifth chapter of Eclipse, nothing happens. How many times have I written this? Bella whines some more, Jacob is hurt, but not in any manner that affects anything, and the Volturi shows up to make sure everything is ok. And it is and they leave and the chapter is still just as useless as it was when it started. Intrigued? Then it's time for Mark to read Eclipse.

Full review of the 25th chapter of Eclipse inside...

In the twenty fourth chapter of Eclipse, Bella actually begs Edward to abuse her because of her epiphany regarding her love for Jacob. Really. Then the newborn vampires show up and begin fighting the werewolves and Cullens miles away and we're forced to have Edward narrate the action to Bella because no one is actually there. But then Victoria shows up and everything becomes horrible, terrible, intolerable, and incredibly irritating. Intrigued? Then it's time for Mark to read Eclipse.

Full review of the 24th chapter of Eclipse inside...

In the twenty-third chapter of Eclipse, Stephenie Meyer turns into a sadist by forcing her characters to do things that are deeply painful to everyone around them. Edward purposely speaks loud enough so that Jacob overhears his plans to marry Bella. Distraught and heartbroken, he runs away, only to be brought back by Edward (at Bella's demand). Depressed, Jacob threatens to essentially commit suicide unless Bella gives him a reason not to. REALLY. That's just the beginning. Intrigued? Then it's time for Mark to read Eclipse.

Full review of the 23rd chapter of Eclipse inside...

In the twenty-second chapter of Eclipse, Edward and Bella prepare for a frozen night in a tent somewhere in the forest. And then it gets cold. And Edward asks Jacob into the tent. And then Jacob climbs into Bella's sleeping bag half naked. And then Edward and Jacob have a long conversation about Bella as if she is not there. Absolutely all of this is true. You are not prepared. Intrigued? Then it's time for Mark to read Eclipse.

Full review of the 22nd chapter of Eclipse inside...

In the twenty-first chapter of Eclipse, Meyer makes it a point to have all her characters say that they love each other, but then makes them act is if they despise the very existence of everyone around them. Jacob continues to break character and joke about sexual assault, considering it a great way to change a woman's mind. And then there's a tent, which sets up chapter 22, which is going to be the worst thing of all time. Intrigued? Then it's time for Mark to read Eclipse.

Full review of the 21st chapter of Eclipse inside...

Despite my wonderful momentum, today has been a scheduling nightmare. I blame a large portion of it on the fact that the Department of State delayed my passport application. Apparently, providing them with my State ID, birth certificate, Social Security number, and many other forms of ID wasn't enough. Because I had to fill out a novel of a form giving them EVERY place I have ever stayed at, EVERY job I have ever had, and EVERY person I am related to. UGH.

Anyway, I'm also working on hard on catching up with all my comments and messages over on my main page and trying to be a good community manager/banhammer. Plus, I'm also assisting assemble all the footage for the AFI In Transmission series. Essentially, my plate is disgustingly fully. So so so so so full. 

I'll post a new review tomorrow. I also go on vacation next week from Monday through Wednesday, so there will be no review them. Because you could not pay me enough to review Twilight on my vacation. 

What are you guys up to? How's life?